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The Unbearable Lightness Of “Being James Bond”

In October of last year the following documentary was unleashed to coincide with No, Time To Die’s release. Through all the slavish, sycophantic, undercarriage kissing, Danny Craig subtlety bemoans his good fortune at landing one of the most lucrative and high profile acting gigs in Hollywood. I don’t recall any anthology of Brosnan’s tenure once…

Daniel Craig Rides Off Into The Sunset

Obviously I “Photoshoped” the face of this famous picture of Russian dictator Vlad Putin, but did I replace it with the face of Daniel Craig or another picture of the 21st century Stalin? I’ll never tell!    Daniel Craig has just mounted his latest atomic bomb and ridden it off into the sunset: “Yippy kai…

Therapist Rides Again!

Never waste an opportunity to over torture a concept! If you’ll recall last September (and I know to do, as you all study each and every one of these articles right?) No, Time To Die director Cary Joji Fukunaga had something to say about the classic Bond films during his press tour in the lead…

No Time To Digest Part 13: No, Time To Die!

It’s all come down to this folks, the rest of this film and all my commentary to this point has only been a warm up to this scene! Of course I am referring to the death of “James Bond,” but we’ll cross that bridge in a moment, first the Craig-Bond and his 27th one true…

No Time To Digest: Part 11: Norway to Raise a Child

Welcome back, I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas, Festive Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa and are off to a happy start to the New Year! Cuz I’m about to spoil all that by digging back in to this dumpster fire. “Mother, thank you for dragging me across Europe and hiding me in the closet every time…

No Time To Digest: Part 10, Psycho-Therapy

“Zo Mister Craig, show me on ze doll vhere ze bad producer touched you.” No, no, no, not therapy for psychos, I’m talking about therapy by psychos! Both Satin Safin and Bro-feld probe the mental faculties of their conversation partners! Hannibal SPECTRE Let’s see, where were we, last time we witnessed the Craig-Bond, Moneypenny and the…

No Time To Digest: Part 9, The Livid Daylights

“Leave me out of this Shit show!” The last scene inferred the Craig-Bond had been rescued by a passing cargo ship, no doubt on it’s way to anchor indefinitely outside one of America’s ports.  “We’ll get these products to market someday!” Smash cut to a darkened interior where we can vaguely make out the ceramic…

No Time To Digest: Part 8, A Titanic Disappointment

Excerpt from TripAdvisor 1912: “I wish I could give zero stars! Ship was late to New York, too much ice in drinks and air conditioning was way too cold! Epic fail!”   The Craig-Bond and Dr. Borat are now airborne winging their way to a rendezvous with Felix, when Dr. Borat says in his native dialect,…

No Time To Digest: Part 7, Cuban Miscue Crisis

This sequence is perhaps the most bizarre out of the entire film, not because it’s any worse or poorly made than any of the others, but because it sticks out like a sore thumb. It has moments that feel more at home in a Roger Moore romp than this deathly serious Craig dirge. It’s quite…

No Time To Digest: Part 6, Ja-Make-Ah Mistake?

Last episode M told Moneypenny to get him 007 and I cautioned you to hold on to your popcorn…  Because I don’t want you to make a mess! As he says that, we smash cut to the Craig-Bond on a sailing yacht! Yes the “popcorn dropping” moment of Lashana Lynch walking in bold, black, beautiful…

No Time To Digest: Part 4, Temper Raising Titles

Is it getting hot in here or is it just me? As the train carrying a forlorn Madeline Swann pulls away the screen begins to morph and colorful dots start to materialize… Wait there’s something familiar about this… Where have I seen this before?! Wait a minute!… NO! Dr. NO, PLEASE GOD NOOOO! Oh Yes!…

No Time To Digest: Part 3, Forgive Me Nots

Some things are just unforgivable old boy!   We left off the first half of the pre-title sequence with Satan Safin pulling 9 year old Madeline from the icy cold waters of Norway and smashing to older Madeline surging up from the Mediterranean breakers, finding a shirtless Craig-Bond smiling at her and asking if “everything…

No Time To Digest: Part 2, Noh way in Norway

I believe it was Sun Tsu in The Art of War who famously said: “Always wear a ceramic mask with tiny eyeholes when going into combat.” That mask Rami Malek is wearing up there is known as a “Noh mask,” how am I so sure? It was submitted as “evidence” Malek’s character would in fact turn…

Therapist

Ah, the old Saturday Night Live “Celebrity Jeopardy” skit, who knew there were people out there taking it deadly serious? I had intended to crawl back under my rock/parent’s basement until the next “Bond” film No Time To Die premiered, if it premiered rather, then comment on the film. At least that was the plan…

Redefining

Good news! We’ve finally destroyed Toxic Masculinity, by ascribing all those same attributes to a female character! Agent Naomi standing in the rubble of the Bond franchise.   Well it seems Lashana Lynch has once again put her foot in the mouth of the EON Productions publicity department. Well, to be fair I can’t tell…

EON Flemming’s Bond

Ian Fleming, just a guy who wrote some books.   The other day I made the mistake of wandering into the forums of those bastions of Bond fandom that are MI6-HQ and CommanderBond. Why you ask? I don’t know, I guess I’m just a glutton for punishment. Maybe I was curious to see, given the dearth…