Excerpt from TripAdvisor 1912: “I wish I could give zero stars! Ship was late to New York, too much ice in drinks and air conditioning was way too cold! Epic fail!”
The Craig-Bond and Dr. Borat are now airborne winging their way to a rendezvous with Felix, when Dr. Borat says in his native dialect, which is one part Borat (obviously) and one part Peter MacNicol’s Janosz Poha from the second Ghostbusters film,
“Siir, I saaaved your liiife, pleeease vemember dat!” He continues, “Couuuld you pleease tellll me vhere vu are taaakinggg meee?! Gee, this guy sure is concerned about who rescues him.
“I neeeed to knoooow vhat toooo paaack!”
The Craig-Bond answers, “somewhere safe,” before landing alongside Felix’s boat the S.S. BS. They board and are greeted by Felix and Logan Traitor… I mean Ash. Felix giggles and says, “At least make it look hard.”
Trust me old boy he does.
The Craig-Bond replies, “Thanks a lot Felix, you walked me into a trap.”
You mean, you were easily spotted at a SPECTRE meeting? How unlikely!
Felix ever the dunce (at least in this incarnation) is shocked to hear of the trap! The Craig-Bond continues, “SPECTRE’s dead.” Felix asks, “Who’s dead?” The Craig-Bond replies, “All of them.” So that’s it, all of SPECTRE is dead, the entire organization, the one EON fought so long and hard for the rights to are killed off in their second film?!
I hope they don’t do that with any other characters!
Felix responds, “Good.” (now we can start over again with the next actor!) Suddenly the Craig-Bond begins interrogating Dr. Borat about his creation, completely dumbfounded on it’s concept. Wasn’t he dubious of M and his involvement with Dr. Borat who defected 10 years ago, according to the bar scene in Jamaica? Isn’t that why he decided to throw in with Felix, because lady 007 was also after this dude and he didn’t want M getting him back? However now he hasn’t a clue!
Dr. Borat states it’s a “perfect assassin” and Logan Traitor becomes nervous about the Craig-Bond’s questioning, trying to intercede saying, “Thank you Bond, your mission’s done.” You don’t suppose he’s up to no good do you?!
The loyal face of Judas.
The Craig-Bond continues his questions and Dr. Borat starts babbling about “the plan” and how the Craig-Bond “wasn’t the intended target.” The Craig-Bond begins grilling the doctor about M, “Did M order this, was he involved?” Dr. Borat states, “M heeeelp meee buillld eeeet, but heeee dosn’ttt haaave de viiiision.” The Craig-Bond says, “Who Blofeld?” (why would he kill his entire organization and not the Craig-Bond?) he also asks, “How did he know I would be there?” (I don’t know, bad writing?) Dr. Borat looks at Logan Traitor who immediately pulls his gun and starts blasting!
Guess who gets it first.
After Felix is shot he falls back through a doorway and isn’t seen again until his dramatic death scene. The Craig-Bond and Logan Traitor begin a “struggle snuggle” while Dr. Borat repacks his suitcase of death. The Craig-Bond, who fought off hulking henchmen like Dave Bautista’s Hinx in SPECTRE, now can’t handle the weaselly Logan Ash! After a bit of Rock ’em Sock ’em Robots the two find themselves about three feet apart and sitting on opposing boxes panting.at each other.
Heavy breathing gone afoul!
A gun lays at Dr. Borat’s feet, which he kicks to Logan Traitor. Logan giggles before picking it up and trying to blast the Craig-Bond who ducks into the magical doorway Felix disappeared through earlier.
Once the Craig-Bond passes through the mystical portal he sails down a flight of stairs and Logan Traitor simply shuts the door rather than shoot the Craig-Bond at the bottom of the stairs. Logan Traitor turns to Dr. Borat and says “I’m with Safin, do you understand?”
WHAAAAAAAT?! Who saw that coming?!
The Craig-Bond turns to Felix who says this:
Now begins the corny gallows humor portion of our program.
Boy that Felix is a card, I hope he makes it through this!
At this the Craig-Bond removes his jacket to administer first aide saying, “We need to have a conversation about the company you keep.” This is how the film makers try to force a deep friendship between the two characters who up until now blankly stared at each other in the 5 minutes of screen time they shared over two previous films.
They were playing the brother angle back then!
The Craig-Bond says, “You’ve lost a lot of blood.”
Which is odd as he just looks to have spilled some ketchup on his new Tommy Bahama™ shirt. Also note he seems to have been shot in approximately the same spot as Granny M in Skyfall.
We cut to Logan Traitor and Dr. Borat boarding 007’s plane and Logan plants a limpet mine on the stern of the ship. Where he got a limpet mine or thought that he might need one in the first place is never addressed. Back to the Craig-Bond and Felix’s touching moment, the later states, concurrent with this film’s fatalist tone, “This might be my final mission, what do you think?” The Craig-Bond replies, “I think you’re just looking for an excuse not to help me,” for some more forced byplay. The Craig-Bond adds, “Paloma gave me a cigar for you to smoke and you are gonna smoke it.” Great the cigar she took off a dead man, so a dead man’s cigar for a another dead man!
Dead man Smokin’.
The Craig-Bond gets up and declares he’s going to find another way out of the boat’s engine room. I don’t know old boy maybe try one of the other doors leading out? Suddenly the ship is rocked by Logan Traitor’s limpet mine and “hilarity” ensues! Cut to Logan and Borat soaring away from the explosion and Logan says, “What a shame, I was such a big fan of his!”
As the ship fills with water and begins to sink, the Craig-Bond calls out for Felix in the small equipment room they occupy. Gee, I wonder where he could have got to, maybe he sprouted wings and flew away? Oh no, there he is right where you left him! The Craig-Bond scoops up Felix and I suddenly start having Titanic flash backs.
Near far, whereeeeever you are!
The Craig-Bond quips, “Come on Felix, we’ve been in worse than this.” Really, when?
Playing poker or drinking beer?
Felix mentions how this all reminds him of his childhood on a shrimp boat in Louisiana,
The Craig-Bond says, “You grew up in Milwaukie,” Felix says, “Did I?” I thought I made that up.” What is this? Of course learned fans know Felix Leiter is from Texas, so what all this Milwaukie nonsense is about I don’t know, more forced friendship B.S.? Felix starts telling the Craig-Bond to “go on without me,” because no cliché can go untouched in this film, then suddenly dies in the Craig-Bond’s arms, because again, cliché. However, all I can think of is Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet.
Ahoy there, you got room for one more on that raft?
The Craig-Bond dives under to watch his “dear friend’s” lifeless body float off into the ether.
Funny, I feel like I’ve seen this somewhere before.
Or more accurately:
As always with the Craig-Bond, Bourne did it first.
Some under water shots of the boat sinking ever deeper and the Craig-Bond struggling to get a door open before he finally gets free and swims to the surface. Miraculously a life raft is nearby and we cut to the Craig-Bond sullenly sitting inside, studying the cursed “dead man’s cigar.”
The biggest irony of it all; it wasn’t even his brand!
We pan back to see the Craig-Bond’s raft:
There’s something familiar about this.
There’s something macabre about planting an homage to the triumphant conclusion of one (or two) film(s) in a joyless morose scene in another.
We hear the blare of a horn in the distance and see a cargo ship approaching our hero. What is also approaching is the one hour mark of this film, yup just another hour and three quarters to go, yes the entire run time of Quantum of Solace!
I’ll leave it here until our next meeting in: The Livid Daylights