“Leave me out of this Shit show!”
The last scene inferred the Craig-Bond had been rescued by a passing cargo ship, no doubt on it’s way to anchor indefinitely outside one of America’s ports.
“We’ll get these products to market someday!”
Smash cut to a darkened interior where we can vaguely make out the ceramic bulldog that sat on granny M’s desk in Skyfall.
Nice to see how much he cared for granny, stuffing such a sentimental item so unceremoniously in a dusty old box!
A roll-up door opens shedding light on a large lump covered in a tarpaulin, it turns out this is a garage and the large object is an 80’s model Aston Martin V8 Vantage™, the exact model used by Timothy Dalton’s Bond in The Living Daylights aped right down to the license plate!
No word on if it has stinger missiles behind the fog lights.
Okay EON, so ripping off the Goldfinger DB5 wasn’t enough, you need to steal more nostalgia with this jaunty jalopy?! I suppose it’s to be expected since the producers haven’t had an original thought in over a decade. Let’s talk a moment about this garage, the Aston in dry storage and the Craig-Bond’s lavish lifestyle in Jamaica. Where is our man getting all this cash? I think someone may have been dipping into the MI6 slush fund? As mentioned before, his yacht cost upwards of half a million pounds sterling (best I could find was 2012 pricing), let’s say his beachfront home cost another half million. hell even his decrepit Land Rover™ would fetch mid five figures and now we find he keeps a garage in London with a six figure sports car moldering away inside. I don’t know how much a garage in London costs per month, but if it’s anything like San Francisco, let’s just say you’re not going to cover that on an honest civil servant’s pension. I know in the books Bond supplemented his income with his gambling habit, but I don’t think even Doc Holiday could manage this monthly nut!
“After paying my mortgage, storage and yacht bill, maybe I can afford to eat this week!”
After the Craig-Bond whips the cover off his automobile shaped lump of fan service, he literally teleports from the passenger side of the vehicle to the driver’s seat!
He tears out of the garage with Bond theme in full crescendo, I guess we should be happy they’re playing it during the actual film and not just over the credits? Here’s to small victories! Our man arrives at the Ministry of Defense in one of his signature sausage casing tight suits.
“Skip to my Lou!”
He approaches a security officer and proudly declares when asked his name, “Bond,” a moment of awkward silence later he continues, “James Bond.” Oh what delightful deconstruction of the character! Except it isn’t, Bond was a double 0, the most secret and highly capable operatives in the service, why the bloody hell would the receptionist know who the hell he was when he was working there, let alone after a half decade’s retirement?!
“Sweet comedy gold, that’s why!”
Smash cut to Moneypenny admiring his visitor badge and 007 making a B-line straight to him to ask whatever happened to Dr. Borat. The Craig-Bond doesn’t answer and Moneypenny quips, “I thought you two would get along” peeling off from the conversation, smart girl! A secretary approaches with paperwork for “007,” to which Nomi 007 says, “That must bother you.” Why should it? I get that having held the position for so long, despite his every attempt to relinquish it, he may feel a bit funny hearing someone else answer to it, but he’s the one who finally left after 15 years and 4 films of trying, he left, he wasn’t fired, or forced out in any way, he got what he wanted. Once at M’s door, Moneypenny says, “You can go in now” to the Craig-Bond. As 007 tries to follow him in Moneypenny states, “Alone.” To which the Craig-Bond turns to 007 and saucily quips, “Does that bother you?”
“Ooh, I’m so cheeky!”
At this point we get the line from the trailer where 007 says to Moneypenny, “I get why you shot him” and Moneypenny replying, “Well everyone tries at least once.” I’m sorry, aren’t you the one who’s been nothing but an insufferable bitch since you met?
“Yeah, but he did it to meeee!”
Smash cut to M’s office, both men seated on opposite sides of M’s desk. The Craig-Bond jests, “Has this desk gotten bigger, or have you gotten smaller.” Huh? Remember the Churchillian authority behind the M’s of old? When even if he disagreed, Bond would still offer a modicum of respect? Well those days are gone! M responds, “I can’t pretend there weren’t some sorry faces when you left,” again, huh? Since when was Bond a surly old bastard who rubbed all he met the wrong way with only a handful of coworkers willing or able to put up with him? M asks why the Craig-Bond was working for the CIA and he replies, “Because they asked so nicely.” M further states, “It’s a shame you haven’t lost your touch, we wouldn’t be in this mess.” The Craig-Bond says in a wispy tone, “This is your mess,” adding “Blofeld tried to kill me in Cuba, someone hijacked his plan and whoever stole your weapon used it to wipe out SPECTRE instead.” Gee, what a shame! He continues, “Now your weapon is on the run and no one seems to know who has it.”
“Aren’t I sassy!”
So now the Craig-Bond knows about M’s involvement in this weapon and what it does? Wasn’t he just berating Dr. Borat for information about this weapon and how much M was involved? Not only does he know all this, as we’ll see in a moment, he knows the bloody name of it!
The Craig-Bond states he can identify the man who took Dr. Borat and in return he wants to speak to Bro-feld. You know who else can identify Logan Traitor? The entirety of the U.S. government since he, you know, WORKED THERE!
Anyway, the Craig-Bond wants to talk to his dear older “brother” and M states it’s impossible as he’s in Belmarsh prison. The Craig-Bond states he knows and that he ran the SPECTRE meeting from there. M asks, “How” and that’s when the Craig-Bond says, “Why didn’t you shut it down, WHY DIDN’T YOU SHUT HERACLES DOWN!” M replies, “I answer to my country’s interests, not you.” The Craig-Bond asks, “What about Felix Leiter.” M says, “I certainly don’t answer to Felix Leiter.” The Craig-Bond stating, “That’s because he’s dead.” M is shocked by this news, sullenly stating, “I’m sorry, I had a lot of respect for Leiter.” As if he and old Felix were pals or some such, why? Especially this M, he never shared a film with him let alone a scene and now we’re supposed to believe he’s concerned a random agent of a foreign nation was lost in the line of duty?
Bond: “But sir, they aren’t going to do anything!”
M: “So what!”
The Craig-Bond again demands to see Bro-feld, to which M laughably responds, “No, he’s the only surviving member of SPECTRE, I can’t allow that.” I’m sorry what?! So I guess because he’s the last member of SPECTRE, that makes him an endangered species now?! If all of SPECTRE are dead what useful information could he provide? Again the Craig-Bond displays his vast knowledge of M’s involvement with Dr. Borat by saying, “Oh, but you could risk developing a DNA targeting weapon with a corrupt scientist for ten years?!” M states there was no reason to suggest Dr. Borat was working for anyone else as he pours himself a second drink, to which the Craig-Bond says, “My god you’re thirsty at the moment!” I’m sorry old boy how much alcohol have you imbibed since this film started? You’re the last one to suggest over indulgence!
Just a small sample!
At this, M throws him out and calls for 007, the Craig-Bond quips, almost under his breath, “Definitely the same desk.” (get it, a call back to his earlier joke!), as he storms out throwing his visitor badge in the bin next to Moneypenny’s desk. Get it, it’s like when Connery used to toss his hat!
I’d like to toss something else!
M orders 007 to go to Belmarsh prison and “scan” (whatever the hell that means) Blofeld. Back to the Craig-Bond in the lobby waiting for a lift (elevator to my fellow Yanks), He shouldn’t get far in a high security government office without identification! Moneypenny rushes out and asks what the Craig-Bond is doing for dinner? Smash cut to a kitchen and Q chopping zucchini.
Too bad it wasn’t Broccoli!
A doorbell rings, we see the cats mentioned briefly in the previous film, as if anybody but a few pedantic nerds like myself would get the reference and Q primps himself as if he’s expecting company. He sees it’s Moneypenny and the Craig-Bond on his security monitor and is viably disappointed. He rings them in anyway, saying to the Craig-Bond, “So you’re not dead.” The Craig-Bond brushes by intoning, “Hello Q I missed you!” They notice the romantically set table and ask, “Are you expecting someone?” To which Q answers rather flustered, “This is the first time… He’ll be here in 20 minutes!” Yes folks, young Q is a proud member of the LGBTQ+ community! Well, not too proud, as he “comes out” in a way that can be very easily deleted for:
“Unspecified foreign audiences.”
The Craig-Bond makes straight for Q’s romantic wine and helps himself to it (remember a moment ago when he chastised M’s drinking habits?), he tips himself a tall glass and takes a slug, remember when James Bond had class? Any of the previous Bonds would have poured a small taste, swill it around in the glass before putting it to their lips quipping, “Excellent vintage Q!”
“Nah, just power it down bro!”
In addition, the wine just so happens to be the same label the Craig-Bond shared with Vesper on the train to Montenegro. Again another wink to the seven pedantic A-holes like myself who would notice, EON can we talk a moment? You made 19 wonderful films from 1962-1999 where you didn’t feel the need to plant winks, nods, “‘memberberries,” or severe forms of fan service, that was until 2002’s Die Another Day and the series 40th anniversary, from that point forward every film needed some form of “homage” to films past. You used to be the innovator, you didn’t need cheap gimmickry to make a film, you didn’t need to plant references to other films for bored audience members to look for as the melodrama played out on screen. If you put half as much effort into the actual film that you do into these cheap “Easter eggs” you’d have a masterpiece! All I ask, is to return to those halcyon days when you made quality gimmick free films, I guess that’s too much to ask for!
The Craig-Bond, mouth full of wine says to Q, “I need you to tell me what’s on that,” holding a thumb drive. Maybe I’m just dense, but I don’t recall a scene where the Craig-Bond acquires one of Dr. Borat’s thumb drives, in fact the last time we saw one, the Doc was swallowing it!
“Yuuuummy forrr myyyy tummmmy!”
Q demurs initially, but when Moneypenny reveals it has to do with Heracles, he’s immediately interested. How the hell does everyone know about this project all of a sudden?! Just a few short scenes ago everyone was fumbling about in the dark, trying to respond to Dr. Borat’s kidnapping and getting blocked by M in order to keep them in the dark. Now as if by magic not only does everyone know all about this project they know the bloody name!
You know my NAAAAAME!
Q asks the Craig-Bond where the thumb drive has been and when he replies, “Everywhere I should imagine,” (ha ha get it it was in some guys digestive tract!), Q shows he learned from his mistake in Skyfall and hooks it up to a “sandbox.”
If only everyone could learn from their mistakes in Skyfall!
Turns out the thumb drive contains a DNA database of not only all of SPECTRE but thousands of others cribbed from “worldwide data breaches.” Q asks the Craig-Bond, “What was M working on” (don’t you know, you just acted as you did a moment ago), to which the Craig-Bond responds, “Something he should have shutdown years ago!” So now, not only is the Craig-Bond fully aware of what M’s been up to, he has been for years? This film feels as if it was written during a rousing rendition of the “telephone game,” one writer pens a scene, handing it to the next who adds to it before giving it to the third and so on, that’s how incoherent this narrative is!
The Craig-Bond asks Q to get him into Belmarsh prison so he can speak to Bro-feld, because somehow he believes he’ll know who is behind Dr. Borat and his mystical DNA machine. Q and Moneypenny tell him they can’t, only one person is allowed to see him. The Craig-Bond asks who, the other two pause, again he asks “who?” Smash cut to…
Now I must pause until next time when we will discuss the most laughable plot contrivance in the history of the franchise in: Psycho-Therapy