The world’s reaction to the No Time To Die trailer.
December 1, 2019, an eleven second teaser trailer premiered to inform us that three days later an even longer trailer will be released for EON’s latest debacle, No Time To Die. I have to ask why? If you’re going to tease a trailer, why not let it marinate a week or two and actually whet the public’s appetite a bit?
An example of EON’s premature premier syndrome.
I haven’t forgotten about that female led action film EON was supposed to release last month called The Rhythm Section, you know the one that was supposed to show they can do more than just Bond. Yet instead we get two trailers for a Bond film 5 months from release and that other film is still in development hell!
Sure enough, three days later the full version of the No Time To Die trailer was foisted upon the public.
Two minutes and thirty five seconds of social pandemonium!
It seems, thanks to the social justice commotion surrounding the news from the production, the trailer has become a Rorschach test for every blogger, vlogger and dead horse flogger on the web.
The Red Meat Keyboard Kommandos see it one way:
HOT WOKE GARBAGE, I WON’T SEE IT!!!!!!!
The Shrieking Banshees of Social Justice see it another:
YAS SLAY QUEEN, but I’m not going to see it!!!!!
And the sycophantic “Official, Real Bond Fans” are in orgasmic bliss:
MMMM, GHA, AHHHHH!!!!!
The first two examples are nothing more than political pundits veiling themselves behind the thin veneer of “entertainment influencer.” Watching their videos or reading their articles they put their dearth of Bond knowledge on full display, demonstrating the complete lack of understanding of the character and the series’ rich history.
Bond villain Blofeld is best known for stroking his white pet pekingese.
The “real” Bond fans, are indeed more knowledgeable, unfortunately their very existence on this mortal coil has become so entwined in the persona of “Bond Fan” that they can’t bring themselves to be critical of anything spit out by EON no matter how offensive it may be. Really fellas, if you cared about the character so damned much you wouldn’t be turning a blind eye while the likes of Bro-feld was crammed into the cannon! I have to wonder if these cultists would feel the same way about these films if they featured a character not named James Bond? Would they be so full of glee if say Skyfall stared Cardboardman, agent 123 of the Generic Espionage Agency? Somehow I think not.
I am nothing without being a Bond faaaaan!
Back to our friends up there who encapsulate the two sides of the same ignorant coin.
I spent literally minutes creating this!
The warriors of wokeness cheering this on need to realize no matter how “woke” this film may or may not be, it’s not going to “crush the patriarchy,” just this franchise, which I’m sure wouldn’t bring a tear to their eye.
As to the “Alpha Males,” and I know I’ve been repeating this over and over the past couple rants, but it needs to be said, “cucking” Bond, as the “alpha chads” like to say, is not going to damage the franchise, at least no more than it has been thus far. Under Craig’s stewardship Bond has become an enraged:
orphan with a foster brother who killed his own father and founded a global criminal organization because said father dared to ask this “brother” to be friendly to a little boy for a couple of winters 30 years ago!
I’m so angry lover, let’s drink to my dead parents and crazy foster brother!
Considering all that, you’ll forgive me if the minor plot points of Bond’s wife not taking his last name and that some woman is borrowing the 007 code number for a few hours don’t exactly send me into a fury of rage.
Do I condone these things? Of course not, I don’t think Bond should be getting married again they did that already and as for another holding the 007 moniker, that’s just cheap stunt writing. However, those two things, if they even make it into the film, will be so subdued in relation to what has already befallen the franchise, it’ll make this film look like Dr. No by comparison. Speaking of Dr. No:
Some morons think that because this film’s title contains the word “no” Malik will be creating an origin story for the bad doctor!
The word die is in there too, maybe he’s:
Or maybe we’ll finally get that one origin story we’ve all been waiting for:
Then again we did get foster brother Blofeld, so maybe there is something to this after all?
This “Dr. No-ian” character crafted by Malik is listed as Safin.
Named after the rice no doubt!
Since we’re on the topic of derivative garbage let’s take a look at this trailer.
We open with Craig and Mrs. Not Bond racing through the streets of Italy hounded by gunmen while having an expository conversation, concerning how she “betrayed him.” He says, “We all have our secrets, we just did’t get to yours yet.” You might say she’s “a kite dancing in a hurricane” or perhaps the “author of all his pain.”
Something seems vaguely familiar about that secrets line:
Vesper: “Does everyone have a tell?” Craig: “Yes, except you”
Maybe I’m stretching on that one a bit, but wait they get better, or is that worse.
A few explosions featuring the Aston Martin DB5 (again with that damn car) and Ralph Fiennes asks, “Where’s 007.”
I’ve played in Shakespeare, how did I get myself in to this?!
I hope you’re not too attached to that popcorn because you’re about to drop it, as I’m sure at this point in the film, “in will walk Lashana who’s black, bold, beautiful, brave” and any other B words you’d like to throw in.
Bohemian… You thought I was going to say a different B word, didn’t you?
Next we see Felix Leiter telling Bond he needs his help because Bond’s the only person he can trust.
There’s something familiar about this scene.
Quantum of Solace anyone?
Also like QOS he can’t trust MI6? Even with their shiny new super agent?
Next shot, we see EON trying to cash in on the Baby Yoda craze:
Baggy my face is.
Craig uncovers a classic Aston in a garage:
There’s something familiar about this.
They’re not even trying to hide how derivative they’ve become!
Next is the exchange that has set the internet on fire:
Video time stamped to: Lynch: “The world’s moved on Commander Bond.” Craig: “Are you a double 0?” Lynch: “Two years, so stay in your lane, you get in my way, I will put a bullet in your knee… The one that works.”
There is a lot to unpack here. “The world’s moved on,” so once again we find the Craig Bond a decrepit old relic trying to find relevancy in the modern world, where have we seen that before?
She’s been a double 0 for a whopping two years (apparently the length of time Craig’s been sulking around since he was dumped by his second “one true love”), what an accomplished young lady this woman must be! Tell me what career you’ve had in which you were more than slightly better than incompetent after only 24 months? Now apply that to worldwide espionage.
Two years and I finally get to put the lettuce on, another six months and they’ll let me work on the grill!
“Stay out of my way or I’ll put a bullet in your knee.” So aside from embodying every example of the most “toxicly masculine” traits of “toxic masculinity,” she’s also every officious prick from every cop show/movie from the 1980’s and 90’s. “Listen Magnum, you start butting your nose in this case and I’ll suspend your licence!” “Foley, if I find you investigating the Tandino murder I’ll have your badge!”
“Damn it Crockett this is a federal case you’re out of your jurisdiction!”
As for “the one that works” again we get crusty old man Bond with his bum knee and irrelevancy, more on that in a moment, first…
What the bloody hell is he wearing, a knee length sweater?!
Also as I said in this rant:
“…the E-Aston has been scratched in favor of a fuel slurping mid-engined pseudo race car. I guess they could afford to ditch the four wheeled virtue signal once they had Lashana Lynch take the form of one in flesh and blood.”
Like I said.
Back at MI6 it seems nobody remembers old super spy James Bond. But then why would they, that’s the point of super spies, their anonymity.
The name’s Chimp, Shaved Chimp.
Michael G. Wilson co-producer of the series once said in an interview during the lead up to Tomorrow Never Dies:
“There may be people who could do it better, but the way it would probably go, there’s more opportunity for it to be done worse. And I think all you have to do is look at some of the great writers we bring in and listen to what they pitch us. With the ideas they pitch, believe me, it would be very easy for this thing to go off the rails.”
Wilson cites the recurring need of writers in story ideas to ridicule Bond and his image. “It’s almost perverse and I don’t know why,” said Wilson, shaking his head. “They love to make him the butt of jokes or make him appear foolish. And that’s not Bond. I mean it’s always good to put him at a disadvantage—it makes it more interesting—but there’s a difference between being at a disadvantage and being ridiculed.”
So here we are then, twenty plus years after Mr. Wilson uttered those words and EON has thrown all of that into the dust bin, making Bond a doddering old man roaming MI6 on his bad knee with his ultra long sweater (to keep the draft out no doubt), muttering about how he “never had a problem getting it up before” and trying as he might to stay relevant. I’m sure much like Mr. Wilson is doing in the halls of EON today.
“Get it up? I never had that problem before, I feel a draft, ow my knee!”
So EON at the insistence of Craig brought in Ms Waller-Bridge writer extraordinaire du jour to make Bond the butt of all the jokes and judging by what’s made it in the film thus far, I can see she earned every penny!
I mean look at these classics:
I’ll shoot you in the knee… the one that works.
Get it up!… I never had that problem before!
Bond being forgotten at MI6 and frustratingly giving his name to a security guard.
Q hating Bond so much he wishes he were dead (which explains why he risked his job to cover for Bond last film).
Craig and lynch butting heads.
Absolute literary gold! To be fair I can’t say what was written by Bridge or by one of the seven other writers on this dumpster fire, but when it’s all dreadful it doesn’t really matter.
Where the magic happened on the set of No Time To Die.
Back to the trailer:
Craig goes to visit his dear old brother Blofeld in the penitentiary, when he bumps into Swann with Grace Jones’ Mayday.
Oops no that’s Lynch in an outfit she stole from comedian Paula Poundstone’s closet.
In case you didn’t get the reference
So Swann survives the opening credits, now that is a “popcorn dropping moment!”
Apparently Craig starts the film rolling on the bed with Swann in domesticated bliss before her “secret” comes back to haunt them:
Hmm, where have I seen that before?
Swann’s survival along with Malik’s lines about his “skills surviving long after he’s gone” plus Craig’s line about Malik playing God, lead me to believe the ridiculous rumor is true. What rumor is that you say? A rumor so ridiculous I discounted it almost immediately the moment I herd it a few months ago. Namely, Malik’s villain has a plot which involves Swann’s genome, which has somehow been weaponized! That is why Malik is after them on their honeymoon, why Swann is skulking the halls of MI6 two years after leaving Bond and why Malik is chasing a young girl, possibly Swann in a flashback, over the frozen fjords of Norway in a ridiculous Kabuki Geisha mask.
You broke my ceramic combat mask!
That mask comes back later in a box:
Almost as dead behind the eyes as Lea Seydoux’s Madeline Swann!
It also turns up behind a glass door:
Where have I see this before?
Here let me fix that for you:
That’s better, at least it’s honest.
That door looks familiar.
Uh oh, I hope he has his plot armor on!
I do hope we get another drawn out, useless suspense piece featuring the quartermaster, like the gondola scene in the last film!
Speaking of the last film, Bro-feld is indeed back!
This looks vaguely familiar.
At least Bro’s face healed, as I predicted in this article.
As I’ve said, the series has become very derivative as of late, not just of itself but other franchises. Namely Bourne in Casino Royale and Quantum Of Solace, Dark Knight in Skyfall and AS The World Turns in SPECTRE. The hot commodity right now are the John Wick films, so how is EON going to incorporate the Wickian “gun porn” those films are known for? Give it to the ladies of course!
Eat you heart out Keanu!
Pew, pew, pew!
The girls are kicking all the ass, yet Craig is on his knees in the dark:
What makes you think this is my first time?
Craig also gets spotted at a SPECTRE meeting:
Which feels oddly familiar
The trailer ends with the DB5 (ugh) spinning in circles while firing machine guns at some attacking vehicles, a scene sure to get the fanboy’s blood up:
Guess they had more than 15 minutes and ₤3 to make those gadget switches this go round?!
Funny how the Craig era marketed itself as “too good for gadgets” yet nearly every film they trot out perhaps one of the most over the top, played out gadgets ever devised in that damn car! Babz Broccoli once commented on how difficult it was to come up with new gadgets in the modern world of cell phone apps, but has no problem rolling out a 50 year old prop every other film, seems a bit backward doesn’t it?
So what are my predictions for the film? Well where Craig and Lynch are concerned the two will start out as described, trading smarmy barbs and one-upsmanship, until some point when they develop a new found respect for each other, then storm the villain’s lair together hand in hand, ironically to the tune of Freddie Mercury’s You’re My Best Friend. My proof?
Their matching tactical jammies of course!
Slumber party in action!
One last note on those posters:
What the hell is up with Craig’s holster?
That damn thing is three times the size necessary for his tiny gun, someone’s over compensating in the gun pouch department! Also why is he standing like that? Is he supposed to be walking or just standing on one foot? And yet again like the SPECTRE poster his Omega watch™ is conspicuously poking out of his sleeve just enough to ensure the well heeled fanboys can rush to the jeweler of their choice in order to compensate for their absolute lack of personality!
So what do you think, how do you see this film shaping up? Let me know in the comments below.