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Yo check it Bond bros, I just got some No Time To Tan the official James Bond special edition skin dye!
I alluded to a certain class of Bond fan in my Aston Martin rant some time back, namely the well healed fanboy who shells out his hard earned money for the various “officially licensed” product tie ins from the films. “Well Healed” is a bit of a misnomer, these gents don’t necessarily need to be wealthy, just have enough disposable cash to burn on such frivolities, unless of course they’re splurging on a limited edition Aston.
These objects make up for my absolute lack of personal style and charisma!
Full disclosure, I like many fans have a few pieces of Bond memorabilia in my collection. For example, I use a Dunhill Broadboy lighter similar to the one Connery puts to good use, lighting up his first iconic cigarette in Dr. No. I also own a vintage speargun just like the ones used in Thunderball, as well as the obligatory Omega watch (standard blue Seamaster not, I say again not a special edition) and many of my suits are inspired (emphasis inspired) by the timeless style of classic bond. That however is not what I’m talking about, I’m referring to the black holes of personality who wrap their whole persona into the minutia of what Craig (or any Bond) is wearing in any given scene.
A few months ago clothing manufacturer Orlebar Brown decided to dive into the fray of homage apparel geared towards these homunculi.
At least they got their inspirations right!
I’ll admit some of the pieces look rather nice, however considering they took their cues from Connery and Moore most of the collection is made up of timeless monochromatic shirts and swim trunks so they couldn’t go far wrong.
The biggest problem with this collection is the price, $295 US for a pair of blue swim shorts?!
Only the finest nylon is used in our trunks
And I’m willing to bet that’s a discounted price, because they’re down to only one remaining size. That means they found a gaggle of weak minded dullards to fork over a small fortune for light blue shorts they could’ve found at any department store for a pittance of the price!
Also bear in mind the seven pieces on their site are all they have remaining of the collection, they began with shirts:
Even robes and shoes:
The least of these things started at around $300 and went up from there! But let’s go back to that Goldfinger romper.
If they were honest about their clientele, it’d only come in obese and pre-stained with Cheetos dust.
Connery was barely able to pull it off in 1964 because one, it was 1964 and two, he was Sean bloody Connery!
I could wear a burlap sack and make it look cool.
You on the other hand, my flaccid little friend look like a sickly pensioner making his way to the communal mailbox at a Miami retirement condo!
I wonder if my Publisher’s Clearinghouse mailer has come in yet?
Much like this geezer:
(Liver spots not included)
Who buys such rubbish I hear you asking, well…
Meet David Zaritsky fanboy in chief and his um… friend.
Just get a load of this guy’s rumpus room:
Yes, that is a life sized Brosnan mannequin and a Halle Berry torso!
Those are indeed a pair of Craig’s man panties or “manties” from Casino Royale on a display stand!
Just so you don’t think that last one was an anomaly.
19:30 seems like a long run time to say place bowl on head, trim around edge, mumble dialog.
Let us not ignore this:
What are you 8 years old? Did Father Christmas bring that for you? Grow up old boy!
And to tie it all together, this time stamped video, where he’s modeling one of his many screen accurate Craig fits in it’s entirety, almost right down to the socks:
That QOS outfit retails for more than my automobile!
Obsessing over what jock strap Craig wears, not weird at all.
If Daniel Craig ever turns up missing I know the first place to look! You’d most likely find him in this guy’s basement, deep in a pit, forced to rub lotion on his skin, softening it to ease our friend’s aspiration of sewing himself a pair of Craig pajamas!
To be clear I’m not trying to insult Mr. Zaritsky (though I’m sure I am) or those like him, mostly because I don’t want to wind up in his murder room, I’m just speaking the truth and it may hurt. If any of you reading this actually bought one of those hideous rompers, do you really plan on wearing it? Outside? In public? Without shame? Does our friend David do anything with those skimpy little Casino Royale shorts, or does he just stare at them on the shelf collecting dust? I mean, for crying out loud, you appear to be a man pushing 50, yet here you are playing dress up and reviewing a fictional character’s damned underwear!
Do you know who wouldn’t be dressing up like a fictional character? The fictional character you’re dressing up as! Nowhere in Fleming’s novels nor any of the films do we see Bond trying to dress like a film character! Maybe I’m “not a big enough fan,” but I’m not aware of any scene where Bond obsesses over the suit Cary Grant wears in Bringing Up Baby, or a tie just like the one Bogart has in the Maltese Falcon. Bond is his own man and I humbly suggest you become your’s as well.
Maybe I’m being too hard on this chap, after all it is his money, if he wants to put himself in the poorhouse buying disposable clothing that appears for only seconds on screen, in what have become second rate action films, or over pay by fifty percent for a poor man’s Rolex because it has a 007 stamped on the back of it (of course now a days that makes it a woman’s watch), so that he can compensate for not having a personality of his own that’s his prerogative.
However, what he and his ilk are, is a perfect representation of all that’s wrong with Bond fandom. There are more than enough willing dupes like this gullible fellow who eagerly digest whatever rubbish EON plunks down before them because they etched the name Bond upon it. A couple hundred bucks for swim shorts? Cha-ching$$! Half a grand for an ill fitting terry romper? Cha-ching$$$! Mid four figures for a watch? Cha-cha-ching$$$$!
Now juxtapose that with the film making, Blofeld is Bond’s foster brother (gulp), tasty, I’m a true fan so I’ll swallow it whole! Bond implies he’s experimented with pansexual dalliances (gulp), please may I have some more. What’s that you say? You’ve thrown together a slapdash, pieced together and rushed out the door film written on the fly (gulp), one of my favorites!
Just remember the next time you read some fanboy crowing about how Craig is “DA BESTUST BOND EVAAAA!” and how you’re not a true fan because you doubt this, that devotee is sitting at his computer looking very much like this:
Make sure you scroll all the way down to get the full effect
Hello ladies, impressed? My not at all creepy, golden mannequin is!