dirtybenny

The Plot Thickens?

Daniel Craig appearing in EON’s bizarre suicide prevention/pharmaceutical advert promotional campaign.

 

 

This is the official synopsis of the forthcoming Bond 25:

 

“Bond has left active service and is enjoying a tranquil life in Jamaica. His peace is short-lived when his old friend Felix Leiter from the CIA turns up asking for help. The mission to rescue a kidnapped scientist turns out to be far more treacherous than expected, leading Bond onto the trail of a mysterious villain armed with dangerous new technology.”

 

Unfortunately is seems our old friends Neal Purvis and Robert Wade (P&W) the dynamic duo who’ve had a hand in every Bond film since The World Is Not Enough (TWINE) are at it again, placing Bond on the outside looking in. Yes, starting with TWINE, P&W have placed Bond outside the realm of his occupation, whether through injury, capture, suspension, vengeance, desertion or acting on unsanctioned orders from his previous supervisor, Bond has operated as a rogue warrior in one way or another since these two have become entwined with the series.

 

Early on in my rantings and ramblings I did a rather admittedly amateurish (as opposed to what I do now?) outline of these two. Wherein I accuse them of unoriginality by using the same framework for all their films, considering the fact these two have only written 6 non EON projects in nearly 30 years, the largest of which was Johnny English, I can’t be far wrong. Bond is never going to move beyond stagnation until these two crumbs finally get swept off the table at EON. The story is the most important part of any film and EON invests the least amount into it. Yet they don’t bat an eye at shelling out millions to auteur directors and bored, disenfranchised actors who’d rather be anywhere else. EON needs to ditch these two and inject fresh new blood into the franchise whether it is in the form of competent proven authors with a track record for compelling action/adventure films, or audition young up and comers to see what fresh ideas they can bring, anything’s got to be better than this status quo!

 

It’s funny these two have decided the machinations of Craig’s outsidership this time around would be retirement. Craig, who looked old beyond his years when initially cast, looks every bit the average pensioner today at 51. He was already too creaky and withered by his third movie Skyfall, to pull off the “young amateur agent” he was supposed to be portraying the two films/one mission previous. Also consider, if and when he does finally stop torturing us with his version of “Bond” he will effectively be retired from film due to his lack of roles. It seems old Danny boy has made himself insufferable in Hollywood, the roles which initially came pouring in once he was inexplicably miscast as Bond, have all but dried up due to his noxious behavior on set and more damning to the production bean counters, the fact he’s box office poison.

 

So, a sad film for the miserable actor starring in it, Craig should have been given the boot right after SPECTRE, especially after his infamous “slash my wrists…just for the money” comments. Add to that the swirl of excitement surrounding all the speculation as to who would be replacing the dower thespian and you have to wonder why the powers that be at EON bothered to throw the mountains of cash they surely showered on the beatified actor to return to the role he so truly despises?!

 

 

 

So Craig will be bumming around a beachfront resort town wearing a black shirt (very smart in the sweltering Caribbean) and some acid washed “dad jeans” whilst driving a rundown SUV, very much like the beginning of the second Bourne film. When a ghost from his past appears, to tear his new found tranquility apart… like the start of the second Bourne film. However this is a friendly ghost in the form of Felix Leiter asking him to help on a job. “Just when I think I’m out, they pull me back in.” A tired trope to be sure and one it seems EON is unafraid to dig up and resurrect for this intellectually bankrupt film.

 

Judging by the preproduction work, I’m sure we’ll be treated to the tortured flashbacks of Lea Seydoux’s Madeline Swann, such as the time she killed her father’s attackers as alluded to in SPECTRE… just as in the beginning of the second Bourne film. For those of you who forgot, or mercifully didn’t hear, Miss Swann killed some men who came to murder her father, in a story which I have neglected to point out previously, is eerily similar to the one told by Olga Kurylenko’s Camille Montes in the oft overlooked Quantum of Solace.

 

As stated above, Craig will be trying to rescue a captured scientist, another well worn, threadbare trope EON reanimates like Dr. Frankenstein. But all is not as it appears which judging from all of P&W’s previous Bond works will take the form of a double agent.

 

 

Earlier rumors about the script hinted at a female understudy for Bond, not unlike the character “Rey” from the latest Star Wars films. This character, let’s for the sake of brevity call her Rey, will most likely be played by Lashana Lynch. I say that because, while I personally find Miss Lynch to be a lovely and attractive woman, she doesn’t fit the EON architype of the romantic partner for Bond. At least not the current version of EON, while Cubby and/or Saltzman had no problem casting women who didn’t fit into the thin Nordic category (Grace Jones anybody), it seems Craig’s Bond only has eyes for Arian anorexics. So one can assume Miss Lynch will be playing a capable, overly efficient, slightly masculine junior agent and nothing more.

 

At some point ether early on or a bit later Madeline Swann will be killed off. I’m assuming early, perhaps so Craig, who may initially rebuff Leiter can return to the fold to enact some sweet, sweet revenge for her death. Further evidence to this comes in the form of Bond’s house being a small, special made set for the picture rather than an existing edifice already in existence and conscripted for the film. I imagine it will be blown up or otherwise destroyed before the opening credits roll.

 

Since Craig will be all mopey and depressed (for a change) he won’t be in the mood for love we can assume. So I’m guessing Miss Ana De Armas will be the villain’s moll, the left over Irma Bunt character from the leaked SPECTRE script maybe?

 

Rami Malek playing the “Mysterious villain armed with dangerous new technology” will, I can only assume, be very much like Jessie Eisenberg’s Lex Luthor, a Mark Zuckerberg type entity or similar to the techno dupe portrayed in the fifth and most recent Bourne film. As to the “dangerous technology” I’m guessing it will be some form or another of impossible internet software which will spy on or otherwise harm the user… like in SPECTRE… or the first Kingsman.

 

Any way you slice it this will be a very predictable lame duck film for its lame duck star to (hopeful) bow out on!

 

 

  13 comments for “The Plot Thickens?

  1. Stu
    May 8, 2019 at 12:54 am

    “At some point ether early on or a bit later Madeline Swann will be killed off. I’m assuming early, perhaps so Craig, who may initially rebuff Leiter can return to the fold to enact some sweet, sweet revenge for her death.”

    Of course this is going to happen. I’m already rolling my eyes.

    Another prediction: being back in the Caribbean, there will be a cameo or reference to Quarrel (or Quarrel Jr.)

    • dirtybenny
      dirtybenny
      May 8, 2019 at 1:15 am

      “Another prediction: being back in the Caribbean, there will be a cameo or reference to Quarrel (or Quarrel Jr.)”

      Excellent observation Stu, I didn’t think of that. Especially considering how EON believe Easter eggs are an adequate substitute for Bondian character attributes! No need to make him charming or debonair, we’ll just make mention of a previous character, scene or a Fleming story/chapter title!

      • Stu
        May 11, 2019 at 4:22 am

        Thought you might enjoy this:

        “‘Bond 25’ Production Is Reportedly A “Well Polished S*** Show, According To An Insider”

        https://heroichollywood.com/james-bond-25-daniel-craig-nightmare/

        “Insiders Say Bond 25’s Production Is Total Chaos”

        https://wegotthiscovered.com/movies/bond-25-called-shit-show-working/

        • dirtybenny
          dirtybenny
          May 11, 2019 at 4:48 pm

          Thanks Stu, I seems to be going down just as I said in my earlier rant “A Camel By Committee” this will be another Quantum, but because there are too many writers rather than too few. EON make one film nearly every half decade and they haven’t figured out how yet. They used to know, under Cubby they cranked out a new film every other year and they were good! Now it’s a slapdash circle jerk where the emperor has no clothes and everyone just goes along for the ride.

  2. Vincenzo
    May 12, 2019 at 9:02 am

    You can’t polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter. In this case I’m guessing the “glitter” will be endless references to sexism, misogyny and a certain perma-tanned U.S. President, all laid on with a large trowel by Phoebe Wally-Whatsherface at Craig’s behest.
    I really think that Bond 25 needs to fail. Big time. It needs to crash and burn at the box office to such an extent that it acts as a slap in the face to Auntie (Nanny-knows-best) Barbara and her useless minions. It may not wake them up but at the very least we could savour the looks on the faces of all concerned. Here’s hoping.
    As for the villain’s “dangerous new technology” I’d laugh my socks off if it’s an invisible car. Or a space station…

    • Stu
      May 14, 2019 at 1:35 am

      Unfortunately, I don’t think it will fail. We are in an era where franchise movies dominate, regardless of the quality. Bond is a brand that audiences recognize. Plus, average moviegoers are convinced that Daniel Craig is the best Bond since Connery. After a 5 year gap since the last movie, they will flock to it like Skyfall.

  3. Vincenzo
    May 12, 2019 at 9:22 am

    Oops, nearly forgot. Expect clunky unsubtle digs at, or references to…

    Racism
    Brexit
    Climate change
    Refugees/immigration
    How wonderful the BBC is
    The evils of air/car travel (except for important people like actors and celebs)
    The “joys” of borderless countries and One World Government
    A mumbled Quantum-style lecture on Imperialism
    The ignorance of common people (that’s your paying audience, you idiots!)
    Toxic Masculinity
    Vladimir Putin (who we thought was playing 007 now anyway)
    More whining about Mr President
    and many, many more.
    Connery and Brosnan must be laughing their arses off.

    Crash and burn…

    • dirtybenny
      dirtybenny
      May 12, 2019 at 5:34 pm

      Vincenzo, how on earth did you get your hands on EON’s punch list?! I’ll print these two comments and take them to the theater so I mark them off as each are mentioned.

  4. Vincenzo
    June 1, 2019 at 4:55 pm

    Sadly I think Stu is right though. It will make big money thanks to misguided fan loyalty and the constantly driven narrative that Craig is the “best Bond evah”

    Regarding the now constant media waffle about “sexism” “misogyny” and “toxic masculinity” (Groan!) in previous Bond outings, I would ask these oxygen thieves, sorry critics and commentators, four questions…

    In From Russia With Love, who shoots Rosa Klebb and saves 007’s life?

    In Thunderball, who shoots Largo and saves 007’s life? (spear gun, very nasty)

    In Goldeneye, who hijacks the villain’s helicopter and saves 007’s life?

    In Tomorrow Never Dies, who kicks the sh@t out of a bunch of henchmen and has our hero’s back throughout most of the film?

    The answer for all of these questions is the same.

    The leading lady…

    • dirtybenny
      dirtybenny
      June 1, 2019 at 5:33 pm

      Indeed Vin, these idiots always eager to high jack anything to push their narrative never pause to consider how much that thing (in this case Bond) does not fit that narrative! I have a rant bouncing around my head on the subject of Bond girls then and now hopefully coming soon, if I can find the time to devote to such frivolities.

      • Vincenzo
        June 3, 2019 at 8:32 pm

        I look forward to it. Can’t beat a good froth and fume session…

  5. Janna
    June 10, 2019 at 1:14 am

    Since reading this, I’m already boycotting all the rest of these crappy watered down “ Bond” flicks.

    • dirtybenny
      dirtybenny
      June 10, 2019 at 9:46 pm

      Wise decision Janna, especially considering ticket prices these days. If I’m going to have my money stolen I’d rather it was a mugger, at least he’s putting in honest work!

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