The Theme and Titles: I think the theme of these titles was tentacle porn! (Say that three times fast, that’s a lot of T’s!) To tell you the truth the less said about the titles the better, as they are truly disgusting! I had my eyes closed most of the time watching through my fingers like a terrified child who snuck in to a horror film. They come complete with a nude Craig getting fondled by flaming hands and a woman in full delectation with a black oily cephalopod. It all comes off as a hyper-sexualized version of this rum commercial:
Again EON uses that old chestnut of having the film’s plot play out through the title animations at least when they aren’t locked in kraken coitus! So you needn’t bother watching the movie as it’s all given away to you in octopus form! Craig and Madeline Swann falling towards and for each other, images from Skyfall and Casino Royal (but oddly enough not Quantum of Solace, huh), the funeral of Sciarra held under a squid, Craig’s childhood photos burning, Craig enters the wreck of the old MI6 HQ, the Spectre board meeting, 9 pairs of eyes watching Craig (while my 2 eyes roll), back to Craig’s naked form getting a fiery fondling.
The song is a shrill whinny mess. Smith sounds as though he’s straining on the toilet while his manhood is stuck in a vise! As I sat in the theater I could hear the lenses of eyeglasses shattering from the high pitched caterwauling!
I skipped over the gun barrel walk in my last rant so I’ll mention it here, much like EON who included it in the wrong place the last 3 films (when they included it at all)!
Well at least its back at the beginning again, that’s all I can say for it. Craig quickly minces in stage right, gun on full display in his right hand, whips around and fires. The whole thing comes off so rushed, as if they forgot to make one and realized they needed it 5 minutes before the film was to be packed off to the cinemas. The thing is Craig filmed gun barrels before, for the end of his two previous movies. I don’t remember them coming off so slap dash, so why bother filming a new one? Especially one so poorly done? Any way they did, and it, like the rest of this film comes together in such a rushed, cobbled together fashion.