Educating Daniel Craig

06 April 2006

Forget all the times we made fun of Daniel Craig. Forget
that he has entry level driving skills. Forget that he has
a firearms phobia only a lawyer who hunted with Dick
Cheney can relate to. Forget that his message to fans
who doubted his ability to portray James Bond was a
toned-down paraphrase of a certain Vice President’s
favorite Senate floor catchphrase. Forget that he’s only
acting for the dough or resorting to weight lifting
techniques that would make Barry Bonds proud. Forget
he has a rare skin depigmentation condition you
wouldn’t wish on Michael Jackson.

Because when it comes down to what really matters,
becoming James Bond, Daniel Craig delivers.

The Sun reports:
The cast and crew of Casino Royale were impressed
when Craig demonstrated incredible poker skills during
the shooting of the casino scenes.

A source reveals: “The production had flown in a poker
champion to coach the cast. But Daniel needed none of
that. He was playing like an ace. He was amazing. He
bluffed everyone. He really looked like Bond.”

Daniel’s father, Tim Wroughton-Craig, is not surprised:
“Danny was always keen on poker. As a child, instead
of joining the lads at the Cock and Parrot pub after
kindergarten for a pint or two, he’d stay home and
study poker.”

Ben Affleck, a renowned poker player himself, admitted
he had met his match in Craig: “Go fuck yourself” he
warned before bludgeoning our reporter with his

Even Eva Longoria weighed in on Craig’s poker
addiction, although nobody asked her to: “I wanted to
sleep with him and show him my new tattoo which you
can only see if you’re holding me upside down while
standing against a wall, but Daniel said he was too busy
playing poker. And anyway I’m with Tony Parker now
and he’s my student because he’s only known one other
woman before me. And she was his mom.”

Craig even managed to impress Sharon Stone who,
upon seeing some of the dailies from the upcoming 007,
immediately called Casino’s producers to indicate she
had an interest in casting Craig for her directorial
debut, Basic Instinct 3: “I love the way he plays poker.
It’s so kinky. But I can have my way with men like
Daniel. I’m 48 and when I’m in a situation where I can’t
get out of a game of poker, I offer a blow job. I’m not
embarrassed to say.”

Hang on. Where did that come from? That’s not what
the Sun reported. This is what the Sun reported:

“[Daniel Craig] became a laughing stock again when producers
found he did not know a Royal Flush from a Full House.

British card player John Duthie, who has made £1.5million
from poker, was jetted to a Berlin hotel to coach Craig.

An insider said: “Daniel could not play cards — it was so
funny. It is a critical part of the film, where Bond shows how
cool a customer he is.” […]

“Everyone at the hotel has been laughing about a Bond who
can’t play cards.”

On the upside, you know how annoying actors can be
when they pretend they prepared for a role as a cop by
undergoing the US Navy SEALs’ hellish BUD/S training
when all they really did was hang out at a police
precinct for an hour? At least when Daniel Craig will
launch into that kind of ego stroking tirade, we’ll know
he really trained for something.

It’s satire, stupid.

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