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CASINO ROYALE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT™
By Rod Hilton
FADE IN:
DANIEL CRAIG joins forces with THE MOST INEPT
SECRET AGENT EVER to follow SEBASTIEN FOUCAN.
SEBASTIEN runs, requiring DANIEL to plow through a
construction site, destroying everything in his path.
SEBASTIEN FOUCAN
(running)
You’ll never catch me, Daniel Craig!
DANIEL CRAIG
I’m supposed to be chasing you? I thought my mission
was to prevent this building from being finished.
He shoots SEBASTIEN.
JUDI DENCH
I can’t believe you killed that guy. You’re unstable and
unpredictable – hardly double-oh caliber! To bad I
didn’t realize this before making you one.
DANIEL CRAIG
Wait, isn’t this supposed to be the “first” story in the
series? Aren’t you 70? Am I expected to believe that
your character lives to be 120 or something?
DANIEL traces a text message for SEBASTIEN to some
country club. He watches security tapes to find out who
sent it.
DANIEL CRAIG
Wow, lucky for me this guy’s phone and the country
club security camera are synched up to the millisecond.
Now I know Simon Abkarian is bad.
DANIEL f**ks SIMON’S WIFE and beats him in POKER,
exactly what any covert secret agent would do. He then
follows him to a BODYWORLDS exhibit.
DANIEL CRAIG
A Bodyworlds show? Are we trying to have the silliest
set piece in a Bond movie or something? Because I
don’t think we can top “f**king space”.
SIMON ABKARIAN
How did you find me? I was so slightly careful!
DANIEL CRAIG
Er, you decided to send the text message in front of the
only security camera in the club. You could have even
turned around and thwarted me.
SIMON ABKARIAN
Blast! I knew I shouldn’t have put so much effort into
typing the characters into my phone while I was
actively driving a car, solely so that I could send it the
exact moment I stepped out into the camera’s view!
They STRUGGLE and eventually DANIEL stabs the guy.
Then he follows SIMON’S CONTACT to the airport and
calls JUDI DENCH.
DANIEL CRAIG
Some guy is at the airport. I think he’s going to blow
something up. Also, somehow we both managed to go
through security screen in a matter of seconds without
having to take our shoes off or show a boarding pass,
despite being in America at a time that we needlessly
pointed out was post-9/11.
JUDI DENCH
Makes sense. He plans on blowing up some new plane.
DANIEL CRAIG
I have to rescue a plane? Couldn’t there be a beautiful
woman in it? I can’t have sex with a plane.
He rescues the PLANE. He is then arrested by POLICE,
but then ISN’T.
EVA GREEN
Hello. I’m the hot girl for the movie. We need you to
enter into a poker game. The villian, Mads Mikkelsen, is
playing in it.
DANIEL CRAIG
Great. Let’s have an unrealistic psychological pissing
contest and then get on with the rest of the d**n movie.
They DO. Then they meet up with GIANCARLO GIANNI
and DANIEL plays some POKER.
MADS MIKKELSEN
You’re no match for my mathematical genius, Daniel.
Your chance of beating me on this hand is only 32.33,
repeating of course.
DANIEL CRAIG
What’s with your eye?
MADS MIKKELSEN
Oh that? I bleed from my eye.
DANIEL CRAIG
Why? Is that going to end up being your tell or
something?
MADS MIKKELSEN
Nope. It’s completely irrelevant to the story. It literally
means absolutely nothing at all.
DANIEL CRAIG
Wow, what a total waste of everyone’s time.
DANIEL plays some more POKER.
GIANCARLO GIANNI
Alright so those are playing cards. You get a few, and
then you try to have better ones than the other people
at the table.
EVA GREEN
What the hell are you doing?
GIANCARLO GIANNI
I’m explaining what’s going on for the benefit of the
audience members that don’t know how to play poker,
who we have symbolically assumed are all female.
EVA GREEN
…
GIANCARLO GIANNI
Okay, now Daniel has to put some of those clay circles
on the table, and if he has better cards he can get them
all back plus some more.
More POKER is played.
AUDIENCE
This is the worst Celebrity Poker Showdown ever.
Daniel Craig and Mads Mikkelsen? Where’s Ben Affleck?
DANIEL CRAIG
It all comes down to this final hand, eyebleeder.
Everyone is all-in.
MADS MIKKELSEN
But I’m the chip lead. Even if I lose, I’m still in the
game.
DANIEL CRAIG
QUIET! Show your cards dramatically.
All four players reveal a succession of statistically
improbable hands, subverting the film’s attempt to
paint poker as a game of skill rather than luck.
DANIEL CRAIG
Well, the movie is called Casino Royale, and I just won
the poker game. I guess the movie is over after one last
action scene.
MADS kidnaps EVA and a car chase ensues.
DANIEL CRAIG
Perfect. A big car chase climax and we’ve got a nice,
taut little movie.
Suddenly the car chase ends abruptly. DANIEL gets
TORTURED, then NOT TORTURED.
EVA GREEN
I love you inexplicably. We don’t actually need to have
any chemistry to get away with this big character
change, right?
DANIEL CRAIG
Let’s make up for the lack of chemistry by tacking on 30
minutes of trite, mushy garbage.
Their relationship ends VERY BADLY.
DANIEL CRAIG
Ha! This justifies my reprehensible womanizing later in
the series!
JUDI DENCH
Now we just need to justify an invisible car driving
through an ice castle.
END
Special Thanks to “carl stromberg” for submitting this.
