CASINO ROYALE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT™
By Rod Hilton
DANIEL CRAIG joins forces with THE MOST INEPT
SECRET AGENT EVER to follow SEBASTIEN FOUCAN.
SEBASTIEN runs, requiring DANIEL to plow through a
construction site, destroying everything in his path.
You’ll never catch me, Daniel Craig!
I’m supposed to be chasing you? I thought my mission
was to prevent this building from being finished.
He shoots SEBASTIEN.
I can’t believe you killed that guy. You’re unstable and
unpredictable – hardly double-oh caliber! To bad I
didn’t realize this before making you one.
Wait, isn’t this supposed to be the “first” story in the
series? Aren’t you 70? Am I expected to believe that
your character lives to be 120 or something?
DANIEL traces a text message for SEBASTIEN to some
country club. He watches security tapes to find out who
Wow, lucky for me this guy’s phone and the country
club security camera are synched up to the millisecond.
Now I know Simon Abkarian is bad.
DANIEL f**ks SIMON’S WIFE and beats him in POKER,
exactly what any covert secret agent would do. He then
follows him to a BODYWORLDS exhibit.
A Bodyworlds show? Are we trying to have the silliest
set piece in a Bond movie or something? Because I
don’t think we can top “f**king space”.
How did you find me? I was so slightly careful!
Er, you decided to send the text message in front of the
only security camera in the club. You could have even
turned around and thwarted me.
Blast! I knew I shouldn’t have put so much effort into
typing the characters into my phone while I was
actively driving a car, solely so that I could send it the
exact moment I stepped out into the camera’s view!
They STRUGGLE and eventually DANIEL stabs the guy.
Then he follows SIMON’S CONTACT to the airport and
calls JUDI DENCH.
Some guy is at the airport. I think he’s going to blow
something up. Also, somehow we both managed to go
through security screen in a matter of seconds without
having to take our shoes off or show a boarding pass,
despite being in America at a time that we needlessly
pointed out was post-9/11.
Makes sense. He plans on blowing up some new plane.
I have to rescue a plane? Couldn’t there be a beautiful
woman in it? I can’t have sex with a plane.
He rescues the PLANE. He is then arrested by POLICE,
but then ISN’T.
Hello. I’m the hot girl for the movie. We need you to
enter into a poker game. The villian, Mads Mikkelsen, is
playing in it.
Great. Let’s have an unrealistic psychological pissing
contest and then get on with the rest of the d**n movie.
They DO. Then they meet up with GIANCARLO GIANNI
and DANIEL plays some POKER.
You’re no match for my mathematical genius, Daniel.
Your chance of beating me on this hand is only 32.33,
repeating of course.
What’s with your eye?
Oh that? I bleed from my eye.
Why? Is that going to end up being your tell or
Nope. It’s completely irrelevant to the story. It literally
means absolutely nothing at all.
Wow, what a total waste of everyone’s time.
DANIEL plays some more POKER.
Alright so those are playing cards. You get a few, and
then you try to have better ones than the other people
at the table.
What the hell are you doing?
I’m explaining what’s going on for the benefit of the
audience members that don’t know how to play poker,
who we have symbolically assumed are all female.
Okay, now Daniel has to put some of those clay circles
on the table, and if he has better cards he can get them
all back plus some more.
More POKER is played.
This is the worst Celebrity Poker Showdown ever.
Daniel Craig and Mads Mikkelsen? Where’s Ben Affleck?
It all comes down to this final hand, eyebleeder.
Everyone is all-in.
But I’m the chip lead. Even if I lose, I’m still in the
QUIET! Show your cards dramatically.
All four players reveal a succession of statistically
improbable hands, subverting the film’s attempt to
paint poker as a game of skill rather than luck.
Well, the movie is called Casino Royale, and I just won
the poker game. I guess the movie is over after one last
MADS kidnaps EVA and a car chase ensues.
Perfect. A big car chase climax and we’ve got a nice,
taut little movie.
Suddenly the car chase ends abruptly. DANIEL gets
TORTURED, then NOT TORTURED.
I love you inexplicably. We don’t actually need to have
any chemistry to get away with this big character
Let’s make up for the lack of chemistry by tacking on 30
minutes of trite, mushy garbage.
Their relationship ends VERY BADLY.
Ha! This justifies my reprehensible womanizing later in
Now we just need to justify an invisible car driving
through an ice castle.
Special Thanks to “carl stromberg” for submitting this.