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Questions and Answers
Answers provided by M. MoneyPenney
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Dear Miss MoneyPenney,
yesterday I went to a movie theatre and I tell you, I’m still not over this shock. All the movies coming
out this fall get a lot of attention, especially “Happy Feet”. I couldn’t see a single “Casino Royale”
Poster and they didn’t show the trailer.
How come nobody’s talking about me and my great new movie?
Yours,
Daniel Craig
Dear Daniel Craig,
if it comforts you- you get a lot of attention, just visit www.danielcraigisnotbond.com
That’s all your movie is worth and that's the kind of attention you deserve.
Sincerely,
M. MoneyPenney
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Dear Miss MoneyPenney,
I got some really good support from Judi Dench! She said a lot of nice things about me. I’m sure
everyone will love me, especially after they’ve seen me naked in Casino Royale!
Yours,
Daniel Craig
Dear Daniel Craig,
I heard about the “support” you got and I’m not sure if Dame Judi Dench was either paid a
greater sum of money or was threatened by someone holding a gun to her head when she said
that.
Sincerely,
M. MoneyPenney
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Dear Miss MoneyPenney,
I signed a contract fort he next two Bond movies because my performance was so great. Now people
keep telling the press is lying and I was not telling the truth. People are so mean!
You must help! You know it better!
Yours,
Daniel Craig
Dear Daniel Craig,
there’s no need to get upset. Of course I do know it better. And you know what? I’ll tell the
whole story.
Though it’s pretty likely that Casino Royale will flop because of your lousy performance, Eon
and the Veggies decided to give you another chance. But they are being threatened by fans
who still think you don’t look like Bond. So you’ll have to undergo plastic surgery. And that’s
also what Bond 22 will be about. The title is “Plastic Surgery Disaster”. As the title says, the
surgery turns out to be a flop and you end up looking like Frankenstein’s monster and will play
your own opponent. To keep the movie cheaper they are planning to use parts of the old
Frankenstein movies.
Sincerely,
M. MoneyPenney
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Dear Miss MoneyPenney,
At The Bafta Awards, I was sitting next to Pierce Brosnan and I looked at him. He is so gorgeous!
That’s why he played James Bond. And since my dear close close friend (If you know what I mean)
<Wink>
Barbara asked me to replace him ,I figured I must be looking much better and much younger. So I
told Pierce that I am James Bond now. Obviously he was impressed by my beauty and great talent,
so he told me to go for it. I’m glad I am such a great friend. Aren't I really something???
Yours,
Daniel Craig
Dear Daniel Craig,
I'm a little worried about your sanity. First of all, do you know what friendship is? Have you
ANY morals??? More importantly, buy yourself a mirror and have a closer
look at your image. Trust me, you will never again call yourself attractive.
Sincerely,
M. MoneyPenney
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Dear Miss MoneyPenney,
I am really worried. Not only that Bond fans threaten to boycott my movie, some theaters say they will
show old Bond movies with Pierce Brosnan instead of Casino Royale. Why can't those four movies
just disappear from this world? As long as people can buy them, nobody will watch Casino Royale.
I want to look good! I want to have fans! Anyone- please help!!!!
Yours,
Daniel Craig
Dear Daniel,
stop crying now, Daniel. EON heard your weeping and whining. They pulled all four movies
from retail. So people won't have a chance to watch them. See how scared they are. And
watch out how they will treat you after Casino Royale bombed and they lost a lot of money.
Sincerely,
M. MoneyPenney
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Dear Miss MoneyPenney,
it f*** p*** me off, how f***** badly people are talking about me and my new character. I can’t open a
d*** f**** newspaper without a full load of sh**** about my and f**** fans of f**** old Bond movies keep
d*** f** telling f**** d**** things about me.
They say I’m not f**** s*** good enough for the c*** f***** thing!!!! S***** this f*** s*** f**** b*****!
Yours,
Daniel Craig
Dear Daniel Craig,
calm down, behave like an adult! You are 38 years old! I have a really hard time understanding
what you are talking about. Please re-write your letter, use proper language and try again next
week.
Sincerely,
M. MoneyPenney
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Dear Mrs. MoneyPenney,
I was in LA and I hated it. Nobody wanted to be seen with me. I followed some people around trying
to find a party to get plastered. Somehow they always managed to ditch me.
I tried to find a pub. But as soon as I got to the door it was locked and a closed sign was suddenly
put up.
Next I tried the club scene, but the bouncers refused to let me in even after I explained I am 007.
They laughed and handled me roughly. I almost cried.
Then the studio limo left without me.
If it wasn’t for the LA gangs dropping me off at the airport and making sure I caught my flight I never
would have escaped from L.A.
Yours,
Daniel Craig
Dear Daniel Craig,
Did you escape or were you evicted?
L.A. is known as the home of the beautiful people. That might be one of your problems.
But- while your unconventional looks certainly help to explain a colder than usual reception, I
think the problem is your personality. Or let's say- your lack of personality. You are missing
one. Your attitude also hurts you.
The Hollywood stars work hard and play harder, there are parties constantly going on all day
long. If you couldn’t find one, then they didn’t want to be found.
Don’t worry about your LA hate, LA has always been a ‘don’t call us we’ll call you’ sort of town.
And- always keep that in mind- it's the home of the beautiful people. They won't even accept
you as a guest.
Sincerely,
M. MoneyPenney
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Dear Miss MoneyPenney,
I’m so glad I finally have friends and fans. A lot of people say I’m doing a good job.
Yours,
Daniel Craig
Dear Daniel Craig,
these people aren’t your friends, they are paid to kiss your feet.
Sincerely,
M. MoneyPenney
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Dear Miss MoneyPenney,
I still can’t understand why Pierce Brosnan got so much more money for playing James Bond than I
do. I was first giving 110 % and ended up giving 115, so it sums up to a 225 % performance!
They should pay me more money!
Yours,
Daniel Craig
Dear Daniel Craig,
maybe you don’t need a counsellor but a math teacher… I’m not going to explain here how the
thing with the percents works.
But what I can tell you for sure- and now pay attention- it’s got to do with numbers again. The
Bond makers had to pay so much money to certain magazines and some of the Bond-websites.
What do you think, why are there people who claim that they’ll give you a chance? No, it’s not
your 225 % performance, it’s the cheque they’ve received!
Sincerely,
M. MoneyPenney
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Dear Miss MoneyPenney,
people keep telling I am a wimp.
But that's not true. Just ask my daddy!
I was even playing with toy guns!
And I can handle them so well, I even used
them in Casino Royale! I'm so glad they had toy guns, because
I am so scared of real weapons I could not even look at them.
Sincerely
Daniel Craig
Dear Daniel Craig,
I'm so glad to hear your daddy is coming to your rescue.
But there's one thing that sounds a little - odd.
The real 007s never had toy guns- they never played with toys.
If your that afraid of a real gun, lets market your movie to kids. Baby
Bond with a baby's weapon.
We let the kids in the movie and have the adults stay out, then again-
any adult in their right mind wouldn't watch your movie anyhow.
Yours,
M. MoneyPenney
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Dear Miss MoneyPenney,
I can proudly tell you I'm not too shy to go full frontal naked. A lot of actresses do
that to attract the male audience, so I'll try to do the same.
Yours sincerely,
Daniel Craig
Dear Daniel Craig,
please go ahead. You already did so much damage to the Bond movies,
there's hardly anything that can get worse. Just go ahead doing a full
frontal scene, it might attract a very special part of the male audience- please
don't make me go into detail about those people.
Yours,
M. MoneyPenney
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Dear Miss MoneyPenney,
I am really upset about this. First they promise to make a toy doll that looks like me and than it turns
out they made one that looks like King Kong. That's not fair. I want to have a doll that looks
handsome and likeable, just like me!
Sincerely,
Daniel Craig
Dear Daniel Craig,
I'm not sure I understand your problem.
They already made the toy doll with your features. It looks exactly like you.
You just mixed it up with King Kong.
So what do you want- a doll that looks like you or shall they reuse the Pierce Brosnan or Sean
Connery figurine?
Yours
M. MoneyPenney
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Dear Miss MoneyPenney,
I desperately need your words of comfort.
What else can I do? I started out giving 110%, now I’m doing 115 and they are still hating me?
Yours,
Daniel
Craig
Dear Daniel Craig,
I can fortunately tell you that there’s an easy solution for your problem.
First, they don’t hate you. Hate is a very strong emotion and you had to be worth being hated.
So, people don’t hate you, they disrespect and despise you.
Maybe you will be worth being hated if you withdrew from the Bond franchise and apologized.
Yours,
M. MoneyPenney
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Dear Bond fans!
please don’t shoot me down till you’ve seen the movie!
Daniel Craig
Ok. We won’t shoot you down. How about hanging you up the next tree?
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Dear Miss MoneyPenny,
I checked out the internet and discovered how many fans hate me.
Now I think I’m insane.
Sincerely,
Daniel Craig
Dear Daniel Craig,
I’m a little surprised. We’ve already talked about hate in one of our letters. Trust me, they don’
t hate you. But they’ll never be your fans.
About being insane- thanks for mentioning that. Nobody would have guessed.
Sincerely,
M. MoneyPenney
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Dear Miss MoneyPenney,
I need your advice. I’d never admit it, but I’ve been practicing the famous line “the name’s Bond,
James Bond” for over a year now. And I’m still unable to say that the right way. So I keep telling
people I haven’t practiced yet. But what will I tell the audience after they found out at the movie?
Yours,
Daniel Craig
Dear Daniel Craig,
don’t worry. The fans won’t find out because they won’t watch the movie.
Sincerely,
M. MoneyPenney
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Letter from a supporting fan:
As to Craig, if he were a gentleman in the Bond
tradition, he would not
sign up for the second movie and apologize to the
fans for all the grief
he's caused them. This would be a great article
for you to put up - a
plea to Craig to withdraw from future Bond films,
and resume his career,
with the respect of the fans.
Thanks for the idea. Let’s do that:
Dear Mr Craig,
according to recent polls and newspaper articles,
even
a rather simple minded person like you should have
understood, that your performance is not was the
audience expected.
Since- as you stated yourself- you already gave 115 %
within your lousy first Bond-movie, what can we
expect
with #2? I hope we will never find out.
If you had any sense of loyalty with fans or
elegance,
you would immediately quit the Bond franchise and
appologize for not fitting into it.
Don't worry, with the money you already earned you
will be able to afford a good therapist who will
teach
you how to handle the truth.
Have a nice life and please, never ever, again
bother
us with your presence.
Yours sincerely,
everyone with taste
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Hello,
just wanted to let you know that Daniel Craig is going to be fantastic. Not only is he an excellent actor
but he's going to breath new life into into the Franchise!
How crap was the last Bond film? It was utter junk! Big wave surfing and spastic bad guys and Halle
Berry, Yeach! I walked out of the cinema embarrassed! Pierce Brosnan was alright but like all actors
who play the role they need to stop at some time or it gets very stale, egg: the last Bond film.
Your just creating publicity for the film anyway and everytime a new James Bond is chosen doosh
bags like you winge but it still makes it big!
Just had to get that off my chest! Mainly because the last Bond film was SO CRAP!!!!!!!!! After that I'd
be happy for my mum to play James Bond (not yours though she's to fat).
I sure Daniel Craig will have every success and I hope you get siffalus, not that people like you ever
get to have sex with other people, I hope you get some rare form of animal siffalus!
Regards Craig Storey
Dear Daniel Craig,
your letter really scares me. Seriously.
Not because you wish all of us an unpleasant death- that’s ok, we all do that every now and
then.
What I think really frightening is the fact, that there are people writing letters and having no
idea of spelling. Have you ever heard of orthography?
I can understand that you are really upset. But don't worry. You're suffering a lot and
facing serious problems, but we can fix that. Just buy yourself a good dictionary, use the
spell-check in your word processing program and maybe find someone to tutor you.
Trust me, if you work on it you'll be fine within a few months!
And- never ever again pretend to be your fan. You have no fans.
Yours sincerely,
M. MoneyPenney
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Dear Miss MoneyPenney,
I want to turn James Bond into a bumbling fool.
I thought of showing the audience that he makes mistakes and make it look like everything goes
wrong.
Do you think that will work?
Sincerely,
Daniel Craig
Dear Daniel Craig,
it definitely will work. Acting like a bumbling fool shouldn’t be too hard for you.
Everybody already thinks everything is going wrong and you are constantly making mistakes.
Sincerely,
M. MoneyPenney
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