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…or \u201cBrother where art thou\u201d or \u201cCain and Able brothers in espionage\u201d or \u201cBond Civil War, Brother against Brother\u201d (I could go on all day but I\u2019ll spare you)<\/p>\n
Craig being knocked unconscious at the end of the last scene, leads us to\u00a0cut to a bright light, a bright pink shape begins to come in to focus. Is that a ham? Three pounds of pastrami? A raw rump roast? No, it\u2019s Craig\u2019s face, in a rip off of the scene in Casino Royal where Craig regains consciousness in the very same way. Craig finds himself strapped to what appears to be a dentist\u2019s chair with a Persian cat on his lap, FOOOORRRRRESHAAAAADDOOOOOWWING!!!!! Apparently the torture chair is kept in Mr. Whisker\u2019s rumpus room.<\/p>\n
Waltz seated on a dental hygienist\u2019s chair, in front of a rolling laptop desk, wearing sock less loafers like Sonny Crockett, says he is \u201cGoing to get inside Craig\u2019s head\u201d. I say why bother, I\u2019ll save you the trouble, all you\u2019ll find is self-loathing, bad manners, and repressed homosexuality. Ober-Waltz-Blo-Bro-Hauser states, \u201cThis first probe will play with your sight, your, hearing, and your balance.\u201d I\u2019m going to cut to the chase here and say remarkably, it does none of those things. Why is that remarkable? Because the \u201cprobe\u201d is a damn 1\/8 inch drill bit and it drills directly in to his skull\u00a03 inches deep! Before Waltz goes all drill baby drill, Craig tells him to \u201cGet on with it, nothing can be as painful as listening to you talk.\u201d You are absolutely right Mr. Craig! Except perhaps watching this movie!<\/p>\n
Let me pump the brakes here, Waltz drills through Craig\u2019s head not once,\u00a0but as we\u2019ll see TWICE! Waltz also makes all sorts of statements as to what bodily functions will be affected\/destroyed by these incursions in to Craig\u2019s brain. However none of these things occur! Say all you want about the “unreality” of the \u201cClassic Bond Era\u201d, where Bond can go through hell and come out the other side fresh as a daisy.\u00a0They never drilled holes in his\u00a0head! In the old days Bond would be threatened by a sinister device but use his cunning to escape, the level of suspense in the lead up is the point of the scene, you know he\u2019ll get away, but how. Once again Mendes misses the point, there is no suspense here, just jam it on in, but hey its OK cuz there\u2019s no harm done! If Mendes had directed Goldfinger\u00a0the laser would have just zipped straight up Craig\u2019s crotch to his navel, he would spryly skip off the table, dust off the singed bits of his trousers, and go on about his business.<\/p>\n
After the drill is removed without permanent effect, Swann asks, \u201cWhy are you doing this?\u201d Waltz replies, \u201cPerhaps you know, Jamessss lost his parents at an early age\u201d. Oh brother (quite literally) here we go! He continues, \u201cIt was my father who helped him through this difficult time.\u201d After a long pause, \u201cOver the course of two winters<\/u> he taught him how to ski, climb, and hunt.\u201d (So worst case he spent 15 months with you, best case two 3 month visits, just checking.) \u201cHe soothed the wounds of the poor blue eyed little orphan.\u201d \u201cHe asked me to treat him as a brother\u00a0(says with disgust), my little brother.\u201d (That Asshole!) \u201cThey formed quite an attachment.\u201d Craig chimes in from across the room in the torture chair, where he just had his brains drilled through, \u201cYou killed him!\u201d \u201cYessss, I did.\u201d Waltz replied, I half expected him to say \u201cNo shit Sherlock\u201d; they\u2019ve only been dragging the audience along by the nose to this very conclusion since the beginning! Waltz continues, \u201cDo you know what happens when a cuckoo hatches inside another bird\u2019s nest?\u201d It makes the world\u2019s shittiest Bond film? Oh according to Waltz, apparently it forces the other eggs out. What is this, an episode of wild kingdom?! So that\u2019s where that corny cuckoo line came from two bloody hours ago! How timely! Waltz goes on, \u201cWell this cuckoo made me realize my father\u2019s life had to end, and is responsible for the path my life has had to take, so thank you cuuckooo!\u201d<\/p>\n
Sooooo, that\u2019s it? Craig spent at a maximum a year and a half with the Oberhausers and he drove Jr. to kill Sr.? No explanation of how Craig stole Franz\u2019 prom date, or seduced his mother, or killed his goldfish? Just he showed up, daddy liked him, must kill daddy and found an international criminal organization?! Not even daddy loved you more, just daddy liked you period! \u201cIf I can\u2019t have daddy all to myself nobody can! WHAAAAAAAAAAA!\u201d I mean if that\u2019s the case, why not just kill Craig! For crying out loud, Dr. Evil had an immensely more plausible and entertaining back story!<\/p>\n
Look, if you\u2019re going to piss all over Fleming\u2019s work with this dreadful family drama B.S. the least you could do is make it dramatic! I mean give me a reason! It\u2019s all so tacked on like everything else in this crap movie, there is no way it needed to happen, especially since EON was handed a gift in the form of the Sony hacks! Everywhere I turned the Bro-feld angle was met with a deafening \u201cMeh!\u201d Nobody liked it and fortunately the leak happened with more than enough time to fix it, especially when you consider they were still rewriting the damn script at the eleventh hour! But of course EON can\u2019t let an opportunity to remind us Bond was an orphan, or to drag some convoluted familial aspect in to the story line go to waste!<\/p>\n
Craig says, \u201cDo you know any other bird calls Franz?\u201d Prompting Mr. Whiskers to jump back up on to Craig\u2019s lap, Craig whispers \u201cHello Pussy\u201d, why? Nobody knows. Franzy rushes up to Craig and says, \u201cFranz Oberhauser died 20 years ago in an avalanche beside his father; my name is Earnst Stavro Blofeld!\u201d The line delivered in one of those ominous echoes, lands with a thud. In no way were we leading up to a mysterious stranger named Blofeld, that name has no significance to anyone or anything in this movie other than we, the audience are supposed to know who he is, and since most Craig fans are twenty-somethings who\u2019ve never heard of some geezer named Ian Fleming or some bloke called Blofeld, it has no significance to them either.<\/p>\n
Let me back up here just a bit. Bro-feld, I can safely call him that now, stated his true identity, along with his father, died 20 years ago, that would be in 1995. That would make Craig roughly 27 years old at the time. He spent 2 winters with the Oberhausers before they \u201cdied\u201d, 27 is hardly the wide eyed little waif of an orphan depicted in that goofy photo! Nor is it an age where you go to live with a guardian after your parents pass. You can\u2019t try to mend this by saying Franz killed his father sometime after Craig\u2019s departure, because his motive falls completely apart! \u201cDaddy!\u201d \u201cYou were kind to that kid 15 years ago, and I\u2019m still jealous!\u201d \u201cNow you must die, a decade and a half later so I can start an organization bent on world domination!\u201d I mean sure there\u2019s crazy but then there\u2019s ridiculous!<\/p>\n
By the way wasn\u2019t it eluded to that Craig lived with Alfred, I mean Kincaid at Bond Manor after his parents passed, even if it wasn\u2019t, why did he end up getting shipped off to some Bavarian benefactor? The world will never know, at least that is until \u201cBond 25\u201d \u201cYou Only Live with Your Adoptive Parents Twice<\/em>\u201d.<\/p>\n Big Bro states the next drill will destroy Craig\u2019s ability to recognize people, he won\u2019t know who Swann is after this, and she\u2019ll be \u201cJust another passing face on his way to the grave.\u201d Yeah, that\u2019s precisely what she is now. He just met her a few days ago, until yesterday they couldn\u2019t stand each other. Now she\u2019s his soul mate? It would be a crime against nature if he forgets who she is? No, just more melodramatic grist for the mill.<\/p>\n Bro continues, \u201cHe dies not knowing who you are.\u201d Who cares! He\u2019ll be just as dead as if he did! \u201cA shame, the daughter of an assassin, you\u2019re the only person who could have understood him.\u201d Huh? Is that why spoiler alert, he quits MI6 for the third time at the end, because she understands him? If he plans on quitting the service he could get along with the daughter of a gardener just as well! Come to think of it, a psychiatrist, whose father was a hitman, and she gets crazy when she drinks, that’s crazy, murder and alcohol all rolled in to one, she\u2019s the Craig era\u2019s dream come true!<\/p>\n The drill begins its task, supposedly attacking his memory receptors, through all it, Crag manages to remove his watch; you know the one with the \u201cloud\u201d alarm. As the bit is removed Swann rushes over to ensure her most recent week long fling can still recognize her. She caresses his wet leathery head, and says \u201cI love you.\u201d So soon? My, my, she moves fast! Absolutely ridiculous! Craig slowly opens his eyes as Bro asks, \u201cDo those blue eyes still recognize you?\u201d Craig\u2019s response, \u201cI\u2019d recognize you anywhere\u201d, ugh!<\/p>\n Craig further whispers, \u201cThe watch\u201d, as he sets the timer and hands it off to Swann. \u201cOne minute\u201d, he whispers, \u201cOne minute\u201d, I guess SPECTRE agents have exploding watches in their arsenal too, as she seems to know just what he\u2019s getting at. As she backs away, the drills prepare to gouge in to Craig\u2019s eyes. Craig whispers \u201cTempus Fuget\u201d. Bro asks, \u201cDid you say something\u201d Craig repeats it, cuz Latin’s classy an\u00a0shit,\u00a0before further saying \u201cDoesn\u2019t time fly\u201d, prompting Swann to slide the watch under Bro\u2019s chair, exploding, and blowing him back across the room.<\/p>\n The explosion destroys the torture control panel, causing Craig\u2019s restraints to fly open, freeing him. Maybe it\u2019s just me but having your restraints fail in the open position seems like a bit of a design flaw. I mean prisons don\u2019t design their cell doors to pop open when power is lost. It seems a bit dangerous to have an enemy strapped to your torture chair when any little power surge could potentially set them free, a very real possibility when you consider this is all going on in a desolate desert location that produces its own power with, as we’ll soon see, very delicate plumbing.<\/p>\n Craig now free, spryly gets to his feet, caresses Swann\u2019s face then charges head long down a hallway, in to the door leading out, which a guard was conveniently about to open. The force of Craig\u2019s impact sends the man flying, allowing Craig to pick up his rifle. Need I remind you this man just had two, count them two<\/u> holes drilled in to his head!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Craig quickly dispatches two more guards in the yard with the rifle and makes his way across the desert terrain, shooting over his shoulder at three more guards who appear several hundred feet away; of course Craig miraculously kills one of them! Through the gun fire, several of the various pipes and tanks around Craig and Swann are hit by enemy gunfire. Craig picks up a new weapon and takes cover in a doorway while several more guards advance; he pops out and instantly kills two more. Through all this he has time to take a longing look at Swann, then pop out of cover shooting one of the pipes they just passed, you know the ones which were riddled by the guard\u2019s gunfire, except when Craig does it the pipe bursts in to flame cutting off the enemy advance! Suddenly a gate in a WIRE fence opens where a guard\u00a0is\u00a0standing, a guard who had perfect position on Craig, and could have killed him easily, if he understood that his bullets can travel through the holes between the wires in the fence. Craig kills him in a blink! A quad cycle pulls up, two more baddies jump off; Craig wielding the rifle one handed blows them away as well! Two more are coming down the stairs from the helipad; Craig extends the butt stock of the gun (See realism!) so he can expertly take aim and take them out! This whole sequence comes off as some bad video game, placed on the super easy setting. Especially the gate bit, where\u00a0once the player proceeds to the next battle field, the gate opens and more enemies spawn. The duo stroll, yes I said stroll and I mean stroll<\/u>, because that is precisely what they do, up the stairs to the waiting helicopter, where Craig turns to Swann and breathlessly says, \u201cLet\u2019s go home\u201d, just as\u2026 Wait for it\u2026 the whole damn base blows up! What the hell! Well at least that\u2019s over! Now I can get out of here and\u2026 Craig to Swann: \u201cIt\u2019s not over yet!\u201d Oh bloody hell!…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" …or \u201cBrother where art thou\u201d or \u201cCain and Able brothers in espionage\u201d or \u201cBond Civil War, Brother against Brother\u201d (I could go on all day but I\u2019ll spare you) Craig being knocked unconscious at the end of the last scene, leads us to\u00a0cut to a bright light, a bright pink shape begins to come…<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/escapepublishingblog.files.wordpress.com\/2015\/12\/bond_2.gif?w=584&h=302\")
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