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An old adage goes, \u201cNever meet your heroes”\u00a0(as you\u2019ll be disappointed); in this instance the same can be said for villains.<\/p>\n
The inexplicably luxurious Moroccan desert train pulls away, revealing our two newly minted star crossed lovers in the middle of nowhere. Apparently none of the railway officials or local authorities have any questions for the couple who were involved in\u00a0the little \u201cdisagreement\u201d in the dining car the night before, which destroyed 3 out of the 7 railway cars on that train, or in regards to the other involved passenger who has since gone missing.<\/p>\n
Cut to a small, long abandoned desert hut where the two are now standing, along with their ridiculous amount of luggage, waiting, we know they’re waiting because Craig asks \u201cThis may be a long wait, are you having second thoughts?\u201d A wait for what exactly? Last I remember they were heading to a fly spec on a map, to find and kill \u201chim\u201d. Now they\u2019re waiting for a ride? What did they do? Ring ahead and say they were coming? \u201cYes, hello, secret desert SPECTRE installation? Yes I have a reservation to kill your leader and destroy your base, yes reservations for two at 10 AM, we have quite a bit of luggage, so please send a large car.\u201d<\/p>\n
And send a large car they did, in the distance a dust cloud appears and grows larger until a 1948 Rolls Royce Silver Wrath can be recognized, I know precisely what it is, because Craig says exactly that. Before uttering the year make and model of the mystery car, Craig dressed in wardrobe similar to the post golf outfit Connery sports in Goldfinger (wink), cocks his pistol and secretes it behind his back. So he\u2019s expecting trouble? What kind of trouble? I\u2019m really having one hell of a time trying to figure out what is supposed to be going on here! What the bloody hell were they waiting at the station for? Nobody was supposed to\u00a0know they were coming! Maybe they did call ahead! Once again so much for M\u2019s claim that they would only be helping \u201cthem\u201d by tracking Craig.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d also like to point out Hinx just tried to kill them last night on the train, you know, the henchman working for Oberhauser. Now OB is sending a limo? Not a gunship? Not even a couple of stereotypical 1930\u2019s gangsters with tommy guns in a rootin, tootin drive by? Just a chauffeur who politely opens the door and says \u201cPlease\u201d? If you wanted to meet up with him for high tea, why waste your henchman\u2019s time (and life) trying to kill him?<\/p>\n
The Rolls takes them down a long dirt road to crater town, along the way Swann says \u201cI\u2019m scared James\u201d to which Craig grabs her hand, she clutches it and makes a face as if his hands are sweating too (wink to Dr. No). Inside the crater we find something reminiscent of Palm Springs CA. a large lush green lawn being watered by the oscillating sprinklers one would find at a hardware store, in front of an austere postmodern edifice. As Craig exits the car his jacket is off, putting his gun on full display, like the secret agent he is! Craig dons his coat and an underling expresses a warm greeting and informs them drinks will be served at 4\u00a0(Dr. No anyone?). The greeter says \u201cJust one more thing\u201d prompting a servant replete in white tie and tails to step forward with a silver platter. After a short pause Craig gets it, and places his pistol on the platter saying \u201cBe careful with that, it\u2019s loaded\u201d, so now he\u2019s mindful of firearms safety! But really come on, we\u2019re laying it on a bit thick here aren\u2019t we Sammy?!?! Silver platter?!?! Servant in TAILS!?!? What is this a parody?!?! Did someone pop in Austin Powers 4 when I wasn\u2019t looking?!?!?<\/p>\n
Craig is shown his room, (cell) it\u2019s a fancy affair, mink lined with 4 star service\u00a0(Dr. No), he looks out over the \u201cbase\u201d which consists of various hydrogen tanks, radar dishes and a telescope\u00a0(I guess Franz is a star gazer!). Turning back in to the room he spies the ridiculous sepia photo contained in his \u201cguardianship envelope\u201d from the apartment scene, but this one is in good condition revealing the young man whose face was obliterated by the comically placed hole is in fact Oberhauser! Oooh, mysteries abound!<\/p>\n
Swann finds an oriental pattern dress waiting for her on her bed. At this point why not just throw Dr. No in that dusty old VHS player back in the secret room\u00a0and have us watch that movie instead,\u00a0rather than continue to punish us with these tortured \u201chomages\u201d!\u00a0Besides in Dr. No, Honey needed to have new clothes provided for her due to her bikini, the only bit of clothing she had, being contaminated with radiation.\u00a0Swann arrived with several bulging suitcases! Swann finds one of the photos from daddy\u2019s bulletin board blown up and framed on one of the shelves. Ugh, this is tiresome!<\/p>\n
Craig\u00a0and Swann\u00a0are led past the various hydrogen tanks,\u00a0power transformers\u00a0and telescope we saw earlier, to a room where along the way they are told is a special place and are to go alone.\u00a0Not before they are invited to enjoy some champagne, which Craig declines. I guess Craig\u00a0can say no to\u00a0alcohol\u00a0after all. The two enter the \u201cspecial place\u201d which is a dark room containing a large meteor. Craig whispers \u201cI think we\u2019re meant to be impressed.\u201d I suppose there\u2019s a joke about the size of his stones in there somewhere! (Sorry couldn\u2019t resist!) Suddenly the disembodied voice of Ober-Blower-Hauser says \u201cTouch it\u201d, \u201cYou can touch it if you want\u201d. Whoa, whoa, whoa, I was just kidding about the stones, you can\u2019t make this stuff up!<\/p>\n
Ober lisps on, explaining the meteorite was the very one to create the crater they stand in now, he goes on existentially, about the meteor being in space for so long building momentum until it hit earth, that wouldn\u2019t be a heavy handed meteor metaphor would it? It would! As Craig answers back with one of\u00a0his own, about how the meteor was stopped, \u201cRight Here!\u201d Ooooh, tough guy space talk! Ober says \u201cI\u2019m so glad to have all of us here together, you too Madeline\u201d. Let me stop you right here Oby, there are only 3 people in this room, all of us together and you too? So two people constitute \u201call of us\u201d? Are you schizophrenic?<\/p>\n
On their way to the next plot point, Ober goes on and on and on about information and how important it is, and states to Craig that he must know by now that the 00 program is officially dead\u00a0(actually Fransy, it was murdered about ten years prior). So the organization Craig is apparently so desperate to leave has been shut down? I guess that makes this a win-win huh?<\/p>\n
Ober asks, or should I say lisps, in a disturbing (and not in the correct way) soft, gentle tone, \u201cSSSSoo, Jamesssss, why did you come?\u201d Craig\u2019s reply is to say \u201cI came here to kill you\u201d, to which Ober retorts, \u201cAnd I thought you came here to die\u201d. Ugh, I mean, Oh! What great writing! I can see why they needed 4 scribes to pen this Shakespearean masterpiece! They continue on to a room full of technicians seated before walls of monitors. Waltz shows Craig a particular screen in which a live feed displays M addressing the troops for the last time. Craig is physically shaken by this, \u201cOh no, the man I just met and started working for a scant few years ago is out of a job! Now he\u2019ll have to go back to that fat paycheck at Parliament!\u201d<\/p>\n
Craig rounds up the plot so far, Ober-Blo-Bro-Hauser is building up a private surveillance system and through his lackey C, is tapping in to the various government intelligence agencies via \u201c9 eyes\u201d. To what end nobody knows, and I suppose at this point nobody cares. Craig asks \u201cI suppose C is one of your disciples?\u201d OB confirms this suspicion, prompting Craig to further ask what he is getting out of it, OB says \u201cNothing, he is a visionary like me\u201d, Craig replies, wait for it\u2026 \u201cVisionaries, our asylums are full of them\u201d, BOOM, pay off, another Dr. No reference!<\/p>\n
Waltz goes on and on stating a pattern developed where Craig would interfere in his world and Waltz would destroy Craig’s. \u201cDo you think it was a coincidence all the women in your life died?\u201d \u201cVesper Lynd, she was the big one.\u201d He says as he turns to Swann. Did I miss something? Or did Vesper not commit suicide in that film? Also what other women were there in Craig\u2019s life? Solange? Severine? Agent Fields? Those disposable characters whose names you don\u2019t know until the credits, women whose corpses Craig\u00a0barely even acknowledged let alone grieved over?\u00a0I wouldn\u2019t call them women in his life. Mamma M? That was Craig\u2019s incompetence that killed her. Then he says it, \u201cMe! It wasssss all me Jamesssss, the awtha of aaall ya paaain.\u201d Ick, I can\u2019t hear that dreck without raising a little bile! I also can\u2019t hear that line and the \u201cKite in a hurricane\u201d one without picturing which ever hack, I mean word smith, who penned them sitting back, resting the back of their head in their hands and looking up with a smug, satisfied grin, so proud of those artfully crafted bits of poetry.<\/p>\n
Suddenly the screens go black the drones swivel their chairs to face the master, Swann says, \u201cNow I understand what happened to my father.\u201d Waltz replies, \u201cHe didn\u2019t go mad, he was just weak.\u201d And so is my stomach! Ugh! Waltz begins the tape from earlier where Mr. White commits suicide, after about 30 seconds, dullard Craig begins to realize what this footage is, \u201cNo, no, no, turn this off\u201d he says. He screams \u201cTurn it off\u201d and is knocked to the floor by Waltz\u2019 goons, through all this drama Craig yells at Swann to look at him. Which makes this a classic \u201cSophie\u2019s choice\u201d. Does she continue to look at the horrific footage of her father\u2019s suicide or gaze upon Craig\u2019s hideous mug? She does in fact\u00a0turn and look upon Craig, wearing\u00a0an odd expression on her face, which is confusing, as Craig told her in excruciating detail exactly how her father died, so none of this should have come as a surprise. Is she disappointed in Craig? If so why? He didn\u2019t hold back any information. Does the confirmation of what he said make her trust him more? Again why? If she didn\u2019t trust him thus far why did she go with him to what was supposed to be certain death? Thinking about this is excruciating. Speaking of excruciating\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
An old adage goes, \u201cNever meet your heroes”\u00a0(as you\u2019ll be disappointed); in this instance the same can be said for villains. The inexplicably luxurious Moroccan desert train pulls away, revealing our two newly minted star crossed lovers in the middle of nowhere. Apparently none of the railway officials or local authorities have any…<\/p>\n