James Bond Aims Low, Shoots Lower

26 October 2005

How stupid is Daniel Craig? We’re going to take a wild, flaming, Hail Mary with 0.4 seconds to play, shot in the obscurity of the deepest of dark pits and guess… VERY STUPID. And if you have already forgotten who he is, bless you.

Either the guy is a complete wanking moron or he’s already mentally fast forwarded to the part of his James Bond tenure where he has done three 007 movies, has $1.5 billion box office revenues under his belt and
thinks he’s allowed to speak anything that crosses his mind, without PR intervention and without the Brosnan or Connery, or even — God forgive us for reaching so low down the Screen Actors Guild’s ranks — the Moore tongue in cheek zest:

“I hate handguns. Handguns are used to shoot people and as
long as they are around, people will shoot each other. That’s a
simple fact. I’ve seen a bullet wound and it was a mess. It was
on a shoot and it scared me. Bullets have a nasty habit of
finding their target and that’s what’s scary about them.”

So much for polishing that tough guy image. The 007 producers, who are already responsible for this memorable casting, have promised a darker, more thriller, less action, Bond. But if Daniel Craig has his way, next summer, you’ll be paying $10 to go watch an eco-friendly, PETA card member, NRA protesting James Bond in Fair Trade togs. May the Hollywood gods forbid that a spy with a license to kill be allowed to carry a
weapon or even use it against his enemy for that matter. The world would be such a peaceful place if we could just talk our adversaries into stupidity.

We shouldn’t be so disappointed. Craig is still a better and cheaper alternative to Chris Martin. And if you don’t know who he is either, well, you people are one lucky bunch.

It’s satire, stupid.

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