Fiasco Royale

James Bond movies are so formulaic you would think making them should be easy. First you need an actor who can fake a half decent English accent and deliver one-liners replete with inane sexual innuendos while looking convincingly masculine holding a martini. Then you need a villain so over the top he would make Iranian leaders look like a bunch of 3rd grade pranksters. And finally, a couple of James Bond girls with the understanding that the one who ends up giving James a full tonsils check-up right before the credits roll is the dumbest of the lot. Sparkle with some gadgets, a few exotic locations and serve lukewarm.
Pretty simple, don’t you think?

Well the producers of the latest 007 installment, Casino Royale, have apparently misplaced their checklist because they decided to start shooting the film with just Daniel Craig as Bond while the baddie and the Bond girls are still AWOL.

According to the Hollywood Reporter, filmmakers made the
decision to roll cameras on the long-delayed film in order to
make a planned holiday release date–even though the two
key components of a Bond film are notably missing in action.

“They’re talking to three to four girls right now,” Casino scribe
Paul Haggis, who won an Oscar for his screenplay for Million
Dollar Baby and was nominated again this year for writing and
directing Crash, told the Reporter. “Every week I read there’s
a new Bond girl, and I call them and they say, ‘No, you idiot.’ ”

We have nothing against Daniel Craig. He was the favorite to play Bond if you take the list of favorites and start from the bottom. He briefly bedded Sienna Miller while his friend Jude Law was showing off his snooker skills to his kids’ nanny. And doing Sienna Miller is as good an acting achievement as we’ve seen in a long time. So what if he looks like he went 12 rounds against the World Heavyweight Champion? At least his ear was not deemed edible. No, we stick by our Bond. Especially since, the way things are going, Craig might end up spoofing his own nemesis, à la Mike Meyers in Austin
Powers.

But we’re a little disappointed by the way Paul Haggis is being treated. The man is an Academy Award winner, and he’s nominated again this year for doing with racism in Crash what Brokeback did with homosexuality. But more importantly, back when he was working on television’s most acclaimed show, Walker, Texas Ranger, Haggis was one of the scribes who used to write in those soulful looks Chuck Norris gave the camera after he had distributed two dozen roundhouses. Were it not for those looks, there would
never have been a Jack Bauer or a Tony Soprano. And for that alone, Mr. Haggis deserves our respect

DISCLAIMER
It’s satire, stupid.