New James Bond Gadgets a Big

Wired NEWS
By Lore Sjöberg

I saw the new Bond movie recently. I waited until it had been
in theaters awhile, so there'd be at least a 75 percent chance
that I wouldn't be seated behind a teenager named Tammy
who spends the entire movie on her cell phone breaking up
with her boyfriend, calling her best friend for support, and
arranging a gathering of peers at Cinnabon.

As it turns out, I was seated three seats down from a mumbly
guy who apparently had strong opinions on the subject of
cocktails, but I couldn't make out most of what he had to say,
and that makes it the best theater experience I've had in a

The movie was OK. I'm pleased to see less-attractive guys in
dramatic roles again; maybe we'll see the Humphrey Bogarts
of the world getting more work. Although, to be fair, Daniel
Craig could fit a Humphrey Bogart in each bicep.

If I was participating in the nation's Texas Hold 'Em craze, no
doubt I would have enjoyed the two hours devoted to scenes
in which people show their cards and the dealer announces
that someone has something full of something else. As it is,
though, I was sorely disappointed by the lack of Q, or
anything sufficiently Q-ish, in the film. It's not that there were
no gadgets, it's just that they were nearly all gadgets that
actually exist and can be purchased, which is boring. I'm sure
it makes for great product placement that all evil plots now
involve text messaging, but I wouldn't call it great cinema.

There weren't even things disguised as other things, unless
you count a manila envelope as a disguise. No pen phones, or
shoe guns, or cigarette cars. Seeing as this was sort of a Bond
origin story, I'm hoping Q will make it into the next one, but
just in case they're out of ideas, here are a few of my own:

Post-Assassination Quip Generator
Getting your double-oh status is not an easy task. Many an
aspiring spy has learned marksmanship, hand-to-hand
combat, seduction and smug indifference to physical threats,
only to be thwarted by the requirement that they be able to
come up with an appropriate pun every time they kill
someone. If you stab your opponent with an antique
whale-hunting harpoon and the best you can come up with is,
"Ha ha, you suck," you'll never be taken seriously as a spy.
This device allows you to enter in the weapon, gruesomeness,
irony level and other aspects of your kill and spits out a
lighthearted joke suitable to the situation.

The Pen/Phone/Laptop/Gun
This is the turducken of spy gadgetry: a gun, disguised as a
pen, disguised as a phone, disguised as a laptop, disguised as
a much larger gun. Fully usable in any of its capacities; you
can shoot someone a postcard, shoot the breeze with
someone, shoot someone an e-mail, or shoot someone in the
sense of actually shooting them.

Evil-Detecting Condom
Bond has slept with any number of women whose alliances
are slippery. Villainesses are seduced into saving the world,
ingénues fall in with a bad crowd, women who claim to eat
their ramen with a fork end up being spoon-eaters in disguise.
The evil-detecting condom protects the spy from all sorts of
sexually transmitted diseases, including post-coital knives in
the back.

Camera Bomb
Think about it. How many times have you been in a situation
where you want to take pictures, but you don't want to arouse
suspicion? Well, nobody's going to suspect you of taking
photos when you pull out this detailed replica of a homemade
bomb! Just nonchalantly hold on to the dynamite sticks at
either end, look into the countdown display (actually a
viewfinder), and click the thumb trigger and you've got a
high-resolution photo with nobody the wiser!

- - -

Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore
Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become an
assassin, an assistant assassin and an associate assistant