| New James Bond film is s**t, say's teenage girl |
The Spoof. Com
Written by Jesus Budda
29 October 2008
A teenage girl who has seen the movie has labeled the latest outing in the James Bond franchise, Quantum of Solace, "s**t"
Mary Porter, 15, said it was " a bit s**t" and that lead actor Daniel Craig was "an ugly, grumpy Bas***d".
Mary, who has seen 2 of the previous 22 Bond movies, considers herself a bit of an expert when it comes to film reviews. It was she who said that High School Musical 3 was "alright" - a view echoed by many teenagers worldwide. She also gave two thumbs up to the Hannah Montana movie, decribing it as "alright".
Probed for further reactions to the Bond movie, Mary was forthcoming:
"It was boring. I said to my friend Joan, like, what's happening here? And she said ' I don't know. So I said: Boring'. And she said 'yeah'. And I said ' 'suppose so'. And, like, it was…"
The producers of Quantum of Solace have hit back at Mary's review saying that the opinion of one teenage girl was insignificant to a mighty corporation like theres.
Mary herself immediately stuck back with a "whatever".
The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.
Discuss on our forum
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| 1 Nov 2008 - 06:27 by Odd Job |
Just For Fun
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| CASINO ROYALE THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT |
FADE IN:
DANIEL CRAIG joins forces with THE MOST INEPT
SECRET AGENT EVER to follow SEBASTIEN FOUCAN.
SEBASTIEN runs, requiring DANIEL to plow through a
construction site, destroying everything in his path.
SEBASTIEN FOUCAN
(running)
You'll never catch me, Daniel Craig!
DANIEL CRAIG
I'm supposed to be chasing you? I thought my mission
was to prevent this building from being finished
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| 1 Oct 2007 - 01:30 by Guerrier |
Just For Fun
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| "Too Ugly” For Bond claims Daniel Craig’s Girlfriend |
Daniel Craig “Too Ugly” For Bond claims Daniel Craig’s
Girlfriend
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| 1 Oct 2007 - 01:28 by Guerrier |
Just For Fun
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| Educating Daniel Craig |
Forget all the times we made fun of Daniel Craig. Forget
that he has entry level driving skills. Forget that he has
a firearms phobia only a lawyer who hunted with Dick
Cheney can relate to. Forget that his message to fans
who doubted his ability to portray James Bond was a
toned-down paraphrase of a certain Vice President's
favorite Senate floor catchphrase. Forget that he's only
acting for the dough or resorting to weight lifting
techniques that would make Barry Bonds proud. Forget
he has a rare skin depigmentation condition you
wouldn't wish on Michael Jackson.
Because when it comes down to what really matters,
becoming James Bond, Daniel Craig delivers.
"[Daniel Craig] became a laughing stock again when producers
found he did not know a Royal Flush from a Full House.
British card player John Duthie, who has made £1.5million
from poker, was jetted to a Berlin hotel to coach Craig.
An insider said: "Daniel could not play cards — it was so
funny. It is a critical part of the film, where Bond shows how
cool a customer he is." [...]
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| 1 Oct 2007 - 01:27 by Guerrier |
Just For Fun
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| At The Fans Secret Service |
Back when we trained at the Actors Studio, the great
Lee Strasberg taught us that fans are "like a mistress.
They need attention, love and trust. They need to be
spoilt. Only then will they follow you. But you have to
make the effort, because without them you are nothing.
Fans are the wind beneath your wings." (Mr. Strasberg
might have had a thing for Bette Midler)
The point is, we're not sure Daniel Craig ever got
lectured at the Actors Studio because his message to
fans -- we're working on the Twilight Zoney assumption
that he has some -- is more reminiscent of bondage
Iranian propaganda:
The British actor was appearing on entertainment show Extra,
where he was asked how he has handled the reaction from his
disgruntled fans.
Daniel said: "We're making a movie, and I think we're making
a really good movie.
"When it comes out, if they still feel the same way then, you
know, screw them!"
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| 1 Oct 2007 - 01:22 by Guerrier |
Just For Fun
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| Daniel Craig Digs Deeper |
We kid you not. Every time we write something about
Daniel Craig we think, that's it, that's the last time we
mention him. It can't get worse. But the guy keeps
coming back and asking for more. In today's
installment, Daniel Craig muses on being a thespian, a
millionaire and a movie connoisseur:
"I never really wanted to do James Bond.
"Don't get me wrong, I want to make big movies and I want to
make as much money as I possibly can, but there's not a
tremendous emotional challenge."
[...] "It's a dodgy place to be walking. I don't really want to
get the rap for destroying that franchise. [...]
"Timothy Dalton was great in the part but I think the film
makers tried to take the franchise in the wrong direction and
he got the rap for that.
"I think George Lazenby got the rap too. I think 'On Her
Majety's Secret Service is one of the best movies."
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| 1 Oct 2007 - 01:19 by Guerrier |
Just For Fun
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| Look Mom, I Ate all my Vegetables |
Talk us through this one again, please: how does a guy
buff up from Exhibit A (shower scene from an obscure
2001 movie called Tomb Raider) to Exhibit B (pastel
gay briefs on location in the Bahamas for Casino
Royale) when he has the athletic fighting skills of a
ballerina, keeps the biathlon training routine of Michael
Moore, is endowed with the natural body strength of
Lindsay Lohan and enjoys the masculine world of
automatic car racing? Or are we simply to assume that
Lance Armstrong's "fitness coach" found a gig for his
needles in Hollywood?
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| 1 Oct 2007 - 01:15 by Guerrier |
Just For Fun
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| Daniel Craig Can't Take the Heat |
In the eternal words of Maddie Hayes reprimanding
David Addison in Moonlighting: "Just when I think
you've gone as low as you can go, you find a basement
door!"
JINXED James Bond star Daniel Craig has been hit by a nasty
bout of prickly heat.
He suffered sunburn while topping up his tan before filming in
the Bahamas.
New 007 Craig wanted a healthy glow for the movie, but
ended up James Burned — and now can’t stop itching.
A source on the Casino Royale set said: “It’s driving him mad.
He constantly wants to scratch. It’s worst when he does a
costume change. He is in agony.
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| 1 Oct 2007 - 01:12 by Guerrier |
Just For Fun
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| Producers Take James Bond in New Direction |
by Mimi Spoofington, Arsociated Farce Movie Writer
New York – James Bond fans will be left stirred and
shaken this winter when they discover the iconic British
spy gets a sex change.
"After much thought and consideration, we have
decided, in agreement with the actors, to take the
James Bond franchise in a new, challenging direction,"
a statement released by Eon Productions announced on
Sunday.
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| 1 Oct 2007 - 01:09 by Guerrier |
Just For Fun
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| We Love Daniel Craig. No, Really |
We thought it would be interesting to visit Daniel
Craig's hate site, www.craignotbond.com, to learn what
the hell we were actually talking about yesterday. So
we did, and it's with no little amount of shame that we
have to confess that his detractors somehow managed
to makes us root for him.
To their credit, it has to be said that the Craig-haters --
who primarily seem to be female Brosnan-lovers -- did
not engage in some cheap, undocumented bashing of
the English actor -- like some satire blogs would not
hesitate to. Their criticism is organized, humorous, and
sometimes even supported by articles from the New
York Times, which, granted, is to integrity what Hugo
Chavez is to sanity, but still. (For some perplexing
reason, neither of our 856 hilarious posts on Craig
made the cut. But we hold no grudge.)
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| 1 Oct 2007 - 01:06 by Guerrier |
Just For Fun
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| James Bond's Tooth Trauma |
We were so traumatized by the sight of the horrific duo
formed by James Bond Casting Mistakes Daniel Craig
and Eva Green that we couldn't get back to this blog for
2 days. But we're feeling better now, especially since
we've received good news from Prague, where shooting
for Fiasco Royale is well under way:
New James Bond star Daniel Craig was left toothless and
bleeding when a fight scene for upcoming movie Casino Royale
went horribly wrong. [...] An insider says, "Daniel was filming
with some minor actors when he got hit in the face.
"He was reeling from a heavy blow and staggered back holding
his face.
"He put his hand to his mouth but the blood started to seep
through his fingers - it was horrible."
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| 1 Oct 2007 - 01:03 by Guerrier |
Just For Fun
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| Fiasco Royale |
James Bond movies are so formulaic you would think making them should be easy. First you need an actor who can fake a half decent English accent and deliver one-liners replete with inane sexual innuendos while looking convincingly masculine holding a martini. Then you need a villain so over the top he would make Iranian leaders look like a bunch of 3rd grade pranksters. And finally, a couple of James Bond girls with the understanding that the one who ends up giving James a full tonsils check-up right before the credits roll is the dumbest of the lot. Sparkle with some gadgets, a few exotic locations and serve lukewarm.
Pretty simple, don't you think?
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| 1 Oct 2007 - 00:59 by Guerrier |
Just For Fun
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| James Bond Aims Low, Shoots Lower |
How stupid is Daniel Craig? We're going to take a wild, flaming, Hail Mary with 0.4 seconds to play, shot in the obscurity of the deepest of dark pits and guess... VERY STUPID. And if you have already forgotten who he is, bless you.
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| 1 Oct 2007 - 00:53 by Guerrier |
Just For Fun
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| AMAZING: James Bond Approval Rating at 2% |
We thought we'd pull a Hunfington Post exclamatory
headline to shake the world from the atrophy in which
casting Daniel Craig as the next 007 has plunged
everyone -- 98% of respondents anyway.
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| 1 Oct 2007 - 00:46 by Guerrier |
Just For Fun
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